Showing posts with label Holiday Theme. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holiday Theme. Show all posts

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Queer Christmas 2022 Gets Sweet n' Sticky

Promos for THE HOLIDAY SITTER and CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, both 2022
It probably has nothing to do with conservatives getting all worked up over LGBTQs—especially Ts—in 2022 (it’s 2004 all over again!), but there was a dearth of queer-themed holiday movies this year compared to last. Though I only reviewed Single All the Way, 2021 also had The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls; Under the Christmas Tree; The Bitch Who Stole Christmas; Love, Classified; Christmas at the Ranch; Christmas on the Farm; and A Jenkins Family Christmas. Christmas 2022 has a paltry three LGBTQ-themed holiday movies (four if you count Falling for Christmas, Lindsay Lohan’s attempt at a soft comeback on Netflix, which I do not).

Though Merry & Gay provided an opportunity to shine a spotlight on some lesbian holiday action and A Christmas to Treasure, a Lifetime movie directed by Jake Helgren, provided low-hanging fruit ripe for picking, I decided to check out Hallmark’s THE HOLIDAY SITTER, starring The Christmas House’s Jonathan Bennett.

But then I learned about another queer holiday movie, Falcon Studios’ CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. Though I really didn’t want to subscribe to another streaming service, I figured, what the hell, it’s Christmas. Besides, Falcon was having a sale on memberships. How could I resist?

The two movies do have a lot of similarities. Both feature main characters who lead very hectic lives in New York City, played by men who nicely fill out a pair of slacks, though I suspect only one of them is wearing any underwear. In Sitter, Sam (Jonathan Bennett) is a financial adviser to the super rich. “Right now, I’m trying to convince one client not to buy a social media company,” he tells a date at the beginning of the movie. In Cumming, Dan (Dan Saxon) is an attorney working “twenty-four-hour days.” Maybe that’s why he’s so sleepy.

Jonathan Bennett in Hallmark's THE CHRISTMAS SITTER; Dan Saxon in Falcon's CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
Jonathan Bennett (right) of The Holiday Sitter and Dan Saxon
of Cumming Home for Christmas play very busy men, though
only one appears to be handling the stress well (#edibles).
The characters in both movies visit families living in smaller towns for the holidays, albeit on different coasts and for different reasons. Sam originally planned on spending his holidays in Hawaii, but as he’s packing for his trip, he gets a call from his sister Kathleen (Chelsea Hobbs), asking for a favor. The surrogate with whom she and her husband Nate (Matthew James Dowden) are having a baby has gone into labor a week early. Could he watch his 13-year-nephew Miles (Everette Andres) and 8-year-old niece Dania (Mila Morgan) while they go retrieve their newborn? He’s not their preferred choice, but Mom’s in Italy and Dad’s up at the hunting cabin in Vermont where there’s no cell reception. Sam may be career-obsessed and self-absorbed, but he’s not an asshole, so he reluctantly agrees to watch his niece and nephew, postponing his trip to Hawaii and heading for the New York suburbs.

Dan, on the other hand, travels to sunny California where his brother Trevor (Trevor Brooks) lives in the family home with his partner Dakota (Dakota Payne), simply because he wants to visit. So, clearly, Dan doesn’t need to be guilted into spending time with his family. Maybe that’s because his family, unlike Sam’s in Sitter, doesn’t give him shit about putting so much energy into his career.

John Bennett and Mila Morgan in the Hallmark Channel's THE HOLIDAY SITTER
Jonathan Bennett smiles bravely as he walks through hell.
Of course, the families in both movies have gone all out for Christmas. Sitter’s fictional suburb of Brayden has an edge simply because it has snow and almost all its residents—all as white as the snow blanketing their town—seem to always be fighting back an urge to sing carols. In sharp contrast, there are hardly any other residents in the un-named town where Cumming is set, and the ones we do meet, while a bit more racially diverse, all appear to have a take-it-or-leave-it attitude towards the holiday, which I fear unfairly plays into conservative beliefs that the godless liberals of California have outlawed celebrating Jesus’ birthday and are mandating gay marriage between the races. However, the people populating both movies—none of whom appear to earn less than six figures—have appropriately and tastefully decked their halls, though the holiday décor of Cumming appears to be a little more upscale, like a Neiman-Marcus Christmas display. The holiday decorations of Brayden, on the other hand, are accessible to any Target shopper.

John Bennettt and George Krissa in THE HOLIDAY SITTER (right) and Dan Saxon and Cole Connor in CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.
Jason (George Krissa) kisses his Mr. Right in The Holiday Sitter
while Dan Saxon kisses his Mr. Right Now, Cole Connor, in
Cumming Home for Christmas.
But while everyone in both movies appears to have ample income, not everyone enjoys financial security. Jason (George Krissa), the attractive contractor in Sitter who lives next door to Kathleen and Nate (not Kate n’ Nate, though that seems too precious for Hallmark to pass up so maybe I’m misremembering), is doing alright, but he’ll need additional funds to cover attorney fees if he goes forward with plans to adopt a child in the coming year. This need for extra cash is why Jason accepts Sam’s offer to hire him as a “co-nanny. Or manny.” Also, Jason has a bit of crush on Sam, the power of boners making him deaf to cringe portmanteaus.

The financial concerns are a bit more dire in Cumming. Trevor tells Dan that the family bakery is not doing well and could close its doors for good if business doesn’t pick up before Christmas. A bigger, corporate bakery is already angling to buy them out, cheap. As in Sitter, help comes from outside the family unit, in the muscular form of Dan’s high school boyfriend DeAngelo Jackson, played by—you guessed it—DeAngelo Jackson. Though Dan is initially reticent about getting back together with DeAngelo, he soon lets him back into his life. When Dan tells DeAngelo about the plight of the family bakery, his former-soon-to-be-current beau offers to help, arranging a meeting between DeAngelo’s friend Isaiah Taye, who “runs a bunch of restaurants in the area,” and Dakota.

Dakota Payne and Isiah Taye in a scene from CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
Dakota is a shrewder negotiator than Trevor.
The kitchen figures in the narratives of both movies as well. Sitter establishes that Sam is not much of a cook, the movie frequently referencing the last time he babysat Miles and Dania and nearly burned down Kathleen and Nate’s house (he burned a fucking omelet, but that was enough for Kathleen and Nate to file an insurance claim, apparently). However, after Jason, who’s a fabulous cook, teaches Sam how to squirt Redi-Wip on pancakes, Sam’s suddenly whipping up a whole breakfast buffet, complete with vegan options.

Jonathan Bennett serves breakfast in THE HOLIDAY SITTER
Which is about as believable as the movie’s assertion those
muffins are homemade.
Meanwhile, in Cumming, DeAngelo assists Dan in the kitchen when (spoiler alert!) Isaiah Taye orders a thousand holiday cookies to serve in his restaurants. Why is the attorney being tasked with fulfilling this order and not his brother or Dakota—you know, the guys who actually run the bakery? Well, because Trevor and Dakota “have some making up to do in the bedroom.” This casual disregard for overseeing operations gives the audience insight as to why their bakery was failing to begin with. Alas, leaving Dan and DeAngelo unsupervised further jeopardizes the bakery’s future. At least when Sam finally declares his love for Jason, he has the courtesy to do so in a fashion that does not get pubes in his family’s Christmas morning breakfast.

Dan Saxon and DeAngelo Jackson in a scene from Falcon's CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
The lawsuits alone will finish this bakery once clients discover
where the butter has been.

Who Christmases Best?

TV holiday movies are so formulaic that whether they feature CisHet or queer leads, Whites or people of color, you pretty much know what you’re in for and The Holiday Sitter and Cumming Home for Christmas are no exception. Both exist in a fantasy world where all problems, be they personal or financial, are easily solved with a Christmas miracle. The Sitter at least takes a moment to acknowledge the realities of gay life, albeit mildly, as when Sam tells Kathleen about why he’s never considered fatherhood: “You’ve known your whole life that marriage and kids were at least an option. That hasn’t been my experience.”

Yet, while Falcon gets props for casting people of color in Cumming Home for Christmas, it makes no mention of LGBTQ’s historic struggles to get the rights to marry and to adopt, instead perpetuating the myth that the only hardship a gay man faces is having to decide which hot guy to fuck and when. Well, that has not been my experience, Falcon Studios. On the other hand, it was refreshing to see a queer storyline in the 2020s that didn’t feel beholden to hetero-normative values. As John Waters once observed, not having kids is one of the privileges of being gay.

Jonathan Bennett in the Hallmark Channel's THE HOLIDAY SITTER.
The subtle acting style of Jonathan Bennett.
Both The Holiday Sitter and Cumming Home for Christmas have strong production values, with Sitter feeling a bit more TV bound (please don’t judge the cinematography on the shitty SD stills in this post) while Cumming directors Steve Cruz and Ben Rush give their movie a more vibrant, cinematic feel. Alas, when it comes to acting, Sitter is the hands-down winner, though only Bennett truly shines (Bennett also has a story credit and was one of The Holiday Sitter’s executive producers, so this may be by design). He mugs shamelessly, but he still makes for a charming lead. Though there are a couple standout performances in Cumming Home for Christmas (Dakota Payne and Cole Connor, in a bit part as one of Dan’s hookups), most of the cast are so wooden you could use them for tentpoles. Dan Saxon has beautiful eyes and a sweet smile, but you’ll never believe for a moment that he has a job that requires an advanced degree.

Cade Maddox and Taylor Reign in CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS
Cade Maddox and Taylor Reign make
ATM festive (but no less disgusting)
for the holidays.

Of course, how can audiences expect Emmy (or Grabby) winning acting when both movies trade in cliches, with characters so blandly written that you barely remember them (this might be why Cumming’s screenwriter Rush just has the performers’ names double as character names). There are a few attempts early in Cumming to suggest it will be campy fun (Dakota: “I thought the main characters couldn’t even kiss until the last frame of these holiday greeting card movies.” Trevor: “But did anyone ever say no anal in act one?”), but that’s quickly dropped once the fucking starts, and then it’s the same ol’ “suck that big dick” drivel we’ve heard time and time again. That said, I would adopt a child just so I could sacrifice it if George Krissa were to gasp, “Oh, I love your hole,” before burying his face in Bennett’s ass, just as Dakota Payne does before giving Trevor Brooks a toe-curling rim job in Cumming.

Ultimately, for all their similarities, The Holiday Sitter is the better of the two queer Christmas movies. However, Cumming Home for Christmas does set itself apart in one important way: it’s likely one of the few Christmas movies you’ll see this year to feature candy cane butt play.

Your move, Hallmark.

Monday, December 13, 2021

A Gay Glucose Drip for Christmas with a Booger Sugar Chaser

Posters for SINGLE ALL THE WAY and WHITE REINDEER

My husband had this to say about Christmas movies: “You can go schmaltzy or take the piss out of the holiday. Neither the twain shall meet.” Though there have been a few exceptions (A Christmas Story, kind of), he’s right. As far as holiday movies are concerned, Christmas is a time of either sugary sentimentality or unbridled debauchery (or terror), no mixing.

Now that holiday movies are trying to be a little more inclusive—and I stress a little— studios might also want to try to combine sappy and the cynical. And who better to tie the nice, the gaudy and the naughty into one fabulous bow than the queer community? I’d hoped that maybe, just maybe, the Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY would be the one to break down this barrier between the sentimental and the salacious.

I took the inclusion of Kathy Najimy and Jennifer Coolidge in Single All the Way’s cast as a good sign, and though I’ve been burned by Netflix queer content before (the platform’s 2019 version of Tales of the City qualifies as a hate crime, against Laura Linney if not LGBTQs), I held out hope that since Netflix wasn’t bound by the same restraints as the Hallmark Channel, its queer holiday movie would at least spike its eggnog.

A still from the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
The opening scene suggests this gay Christmas might be
a little sexier.
Netflix decided to go another way, which is to say they decided to go the same way: same as Hallmark, same as Lifetime.

Michael Urie and Tim Lund in SINGLE ALL THE WAY
Michael Urie tries his best to act against
Tim Lund’s wig-like hair.
Peter (Michael Urie) lives in Los Angeles, works for a social media marketing company but his true passion is plants (he has a separate Instagram account dedicated to them), and for the first time in a long time is genuinely excited about visiting his family in New Hampshire. Why? Because he’s finally bringing home a boyfriend—a doctor no less (“What do I have to do to get cardiac arrested?” swoons one of Peter’s colleagues when the doctor makes his entrance to a plaid-themed Christmas party). But marriage to the doctor is out of the question, especially once Peter learns the doctor is already married. To a woman. Now Peter will have to return home single once again, and after he’s hinted to his family that he’s bringing back a “surprise.”

Instead, Peter convinces his roommate Nick (Philemon Chambers) to come home with him and pretend to be his new beau. Nick is understandably reluctant, first claiming he’s looking forward to having a Christmas staycation, then saying he doesn’t want to dip into his savings to buy a plane ticket (both valid reasons). Peter counters with rapid exposition: he doesn’t want Nick to be alone with his memories of his recently deceased mother, and as for Nick’s finances, he has the money he got from publishing a children’s book about his dog, Emmett. “Now you have all this money in the bank that you’re saving for a rainy day. And look—” Nick gestures at his own anguished visage—“it’s pouring.”

Philemon Chambers in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
Philemon Chambers mimics my reaction to Single All
the Way
’s dialog.
Movie premise established, Peter and Nick head to New Hampshire, where they’re greeted by Peter’s mom Carole (Najimy, doing her best with what’s she’s given), who not only insists on being called Christmas Carole for the month of December but also occupies herself making signs with cute/inspiring sayings, the kind that are derided in Progressive commercials.

Kathy Najimy in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
Kathy Najimy’s face hidden to protect her dignity.
Before Peter can spring the news that he and Nick are a (pretend) couple, Carole (I refuse to call her Christmas Carole, and Netflix can’t do shit about it) springs a surprise of her own. It turns out her spin class instructor James is gay and single, so she has set the two up on a blind date! Peter is understandably horrified, but that’s before he meets James, who is played by Luke Macfarlane.

Michael Urie_Kathy Najimy_Luke Macfarlane in a scene from the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
“I don’t care if my mom is standing there, I will suck your cock
right now!”
But while Peter is rapidly warming up to being a real boyfriend to James, his teenaged nieces (Madison Brydges and Alexandra Beaton, their performances actually more palatable than I expected them to be) think he and Nick are a better match. Peter’s dad (Barry Bostwick) would also like Nick as a son-in-law, though I suspected he might prefer keeping Peter’s hot roommate to himself. Seriously, I think Peter’s dad wants to fuck Nick, though I may be reading too much into Dad’s cajoling Nick to go down into the basement with him to fix a pipe.

Philemon Chambers and Barry Bostwick in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
OK, he meant that literally, but I still felt the heat
between these two.
The nieces—with the help of their parents (Schitt’s Creek’s Jennifer Robertson and Victor Andres Turgeon-Trelles) and, of course, Grandpa—make it their mission to gently sabotage Peter’s relationship with James. They needn’t bother, as Peter seems to be doing a good job of auto-cockblocking, fending off James’ invitations to go back to his place because of lame plot contrivances. 

Michael Urie in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
Regretfully, Single All the Way doesnt take this opportunity to
make a facial joke.
Meanwhile, there’s a subplot involving a Christmas pageant written and directed by Aunt Sandy (Coolidge), an actress whose career high was being Ellen Greene’s understudy in Little Shop of Horrors. It’s this pageant, weirdly, that bridges the dueling efforts to meddle in Peter’s love life, shoveling the snow off the movie’s path as it slides toward a predictably happy ending.

I spent the first thirty minutes of Single All the Way groaning and rolling my eyes at the obvious jokes (old people struggling with their smartphones; referring to HGTV as the “Homosexual Gay” network; “Christmas Carole”), but the movie eventually won me over as it went along. 

Philemon Chamber and Michael Urie in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
The moment I was won over.
The movie is basically a feature-length syndicated sit-com, and most of the performances are pitched accordingly, meaning most of the cast displays Kelly-and-Ryan-on-meth levels of enthusiasm, though a few (Chambers, Macfarlane, Bostwick) favor of a more grounded approach. Coolidge, as always, is in a class by herself, but her scene-stealing potential is squandered by a script that is too beholden to a TV-PG rating, reducing her Aunt Sandy to little more than a sight gag.

Jennifer Coolidge in the 2021 Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY
And Bette Midler impersonator.
Netflix gets points for casting gay actors (all three male leads are out IRL), as well as presenting interracial dating as the non-issue it should be. Had it remained a gay version of a Christmas fake engagement movie (and, goddamn, are there a lot of them), Single All the Way might have held its own. But it more closely resembles Lifetime’s The Christmas Setup, and it suffers from the comparison, failing to have half the charm of that movie. While Single All the Way is a pretty good approximation of a Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movie, considering all the holiday movies those two channels churn out one would think Netflix would want to do something different to distinguish itself. Oh, well. At least we can watch it with our parents without fear of any uncomfortable conversations.

<a href='https://www.freepik.com/photos/woman'>Woman photo created by karlyukav - www.freepik.com</a>
“What is felching?”

Straight Christmas Cynicism

After watching Single All the Way, I immediately wanted to watch something cynical to cut the sweetness, so I watched Zach Clark’s 2013 black comedy WHITE REINDEER

https://www.noirmale.com/
Single All the Way also gave me a strong desire to subscribe
to Noir Male, but I guess that’s not Christmas-y
enough for this post.

Anna Margaret Hollyman and Nathan Williams in the 2013 film WHITE REINDEER
Jeff gives Suzanne an excuse to buy Hawaiian
Christmas CDs.
Washington, D.C.-area real estate agent Suzanne Barrington (Anna Margaret Hollyman) loves Christmas in a way only a woman with the middle name Noel can. And at the start of White Reindeer, Suzanne’s Christmas is set to be an especially merry one: she sells a house in her neighborhood to a charming young couple, George and Patti (Joe Swanberg and Lydia Hyslop), then, after a pre-dinner fuck, her TV weatherman husband Jeff (Nathan Williams) surprises Suzanne with the news that he got a job at a station in Hawaii.

But Suzanne’s dreams of a holiday luau end abruptly when she returns home from Christmas shopping to discover her home ransacked and her husband’s brains splattered across the floor. She’s still in the early stages of grief when one of her husband’s colleagues, wracked with guilt, reveals that Jeff was having an affair with a stripper named Autumn, who worked at a club near the TV station.

Laura Lemar-Goldsboro in the 2013 film WHITE REINDEER
Autumn meets her lover’s widow.
Suzanne goes to the club confront Autumn (Laura Lemar-Goldsboro in her only film role), except their interaction isn’t confrontational. Suzanne is more curious about the other woman than angry with her. Suzanne is quickly bonds with Jeff’s lover, joining her and the other strippers for coke-fueled nights clubbing and going on shoplifting sprees at Macy’s during the day. They even get close enough for Autumn to share her real name: “Autumn is my stripper name. My real name is Fantasia.”

A scene from the 2013 film WHITE REINDEER
The high holidays.
Partying with strippers isn’t Suzanne’s only diversion from her grief. She spends thousands of dollars shopping online. She also angles for an invite to George and Patti’s housewarming party and attends even after she learns it’s not your typical holiday soiree.

A still from the 2013 movie WHITE REINDEER.
Unless you’re Thomas Middleditch.
Though she’s game, sex with strangers isn’t as much fun as Suzanne hoped it would be. I’ve never been to a swingers’ party, but I suspect White Reindeer’s portrayal, which includes guests standing naked around the kitchen discussing one of their children’s struggles with little league, is closer to the unsexy reality.

A still from the 2013 film WHITE REINDEER
The party always ends up in the kitchen.
But getting pounded by George while blowing a roly-poly guy with erection issues isn’t Suzanne’s rock bottom. No, what sends Suzanne crashing back to earth is discovering her credit cards are maxed out from her indiscriminate spending.

A still from the 2013 Christmas comedy WHITE REINDEER
Though a few other things happen on the way down.
Hollyman is perfect as Suzanne, portraying her character with the right mix of optimism, despair and cluelessness one would expect from an upper-middle class white woman whose world is crashing down around her. Likewise, Lemar-Goldsboro’s Autumn/Fantasia is quietly tough, a woman who has dealt with enough shit by her early twenties that she’s unfazed by whatever shitstorm comes her way. The two actresses play well off each other, both deadpan but far from wooden. 
A still from the 2013 film WHITE REINDEER
Suzanne is determined to have the best Christmas
money can buy.
White Reindeer is, as far as I’m concerned, a holiday classic. It fits neatly in the empty space left when I had to banish The Ref to the same purgatory where all the other Kevin Spacey movies I’ve enjoyed now reside. White Reindeer is a bit rough around the edges due to its limited budget, and some of its humor can be a bit cringey (Suzanne to Autumn/Fantasia’s mother: “Oh, you look pretty healthy for somebody on disability”), as well as kind of juvenile (Suzanne sniffing her own fart), but it always had me laughing. Given the past couple of years, I found it much easier to relate to Suzanne processing her grief in unhealthy ways than Peter’s deciding which hot man he wanted to be his boyfriend. I’m all for holiday escapism, but maybe next year Netflix could give us something we could watch with Familinstead of with our families.

Friday, January 1, 2021

In this Case, ‘Watchable’ is High Praise

Promo art for 2016 film SHARED ROOMS
Don’t be dissuaded by the text, “A Rob
Williams Film.”
I wanted to churn out one more post before the year ended*, so I went on Tubi and entered the search term “New Year’s.” From those results I picked the 2013 indie horror movie, Antisocial, about a group of college students attending a New Year’s Eve party just as an epidemic is sweeping the globe, like, all of a sudden. The virus was of the zombie-creating variety because 2013, but otherwise a movie about a New Year’s celebration derailed by an epidemic seemed ideally suited for 2020. Also, the title spoke to me.

Then I checked out the external reviews on IMDb and saw that plenty of other people had already reviewed this movie, and that my lil’ ol’ blog would likely get lost in that long list of other blogs. So, I passed on zombie horror in favor for the gay holiday comedy SHARED ROOMS, a choice made with such haste that I didn’t even notice that I’d selected a Rob Williams movie. Well, I knew this day would come eventually.

In all fairness, Rob Williams isn’t the worst writer-director to pick up a digital camera. Even his weakest movies aren’t as bad as the works of Jeff London, or that Tommy Wiseau of gay cinema, Sam Mraovich (that said, Ben & Arthur is a must-see for fans of bad movies, regardless of how one identifies sexually). But his earlier movies — Long-Term Relationship and Back Soon — left me hoping that before Williams made any more films he might consider taking some classes in how that’s done.

Well, maybe he did. Williams showed marked improvement with his 2010 romance Role/Play, and Shared Rooms is better still. Keep in mind, though, that the bar Williams needed to clear is pretty low. 

Shared Rooms follows the three different sets of gay Los Angelenos during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve of a much happier time (2016, presumably, the same year this movie was released; alas, we still can’t escape a reference to the soon-to-be-former-President of the United States). The movie opens with Cal (Alec Manly Wilson) and his screenwriter husband Laslo (Christopher Grant Pearson), making catty comments to their dinner guests about mutual friends who have adopted a baby. “They go from gay dates to play dates,” Cal quips. Their guests, Blake and Ivan (respectively Eric Allen Smith and Christopher Patrino, both men mugging so hard they risk popping blood vessels) then sheepishly announce that they’re having a baby through a surrogate. (“We’re pregnant!”) 

Eric Allen Smith and Christopher Patrino in the 2016 movie SHARED ROOMS
The nuanced acting of Eric Allen Smith and
Christopher Patrino. 
  



Ryan Weldon in the 2016 movie SHARED ROOMS
Woodstock becomes a real boy!

Later that evening, Cal and Laslo reaffirm their commitment to remain childless. “But,” Cal adds, “we can keep trying the old fashioned way.” As fate and plot devices would have it, however, the couple must reconsider their decision to give fatherhood a pass when Cal’s 17-year-old gay nephew Zeke (twitchy Ryan Weldon) shows up on their front doorstep, kicked out by his mother for being an “abomination.” Cal, who’s sister’s homophobia lead her to cut him from her life before Zeke was born, feels the teen is owed a safe space. Plus, the boy can whip up an all-the-carbs-you-can-eat breakfast in no time. (Seriously, movie, coffee cake, stacks of toast and pillars of pancakes? Even Honey Boo Boo would consider that excessive.)

Cal and Laslo have plenty of carbs to choose from in SHARED ROOMS
If your breakfast for three can’t be shown in a single
shot, you’re eating too goddamn much.

Elsewhere, Cal and Laslo’s accountant, Julian (Daniel Lipshutz), is entertaining lanky, salt-and-pepper stud Frank (David Vaughn). Frank is not Julian’s date, as it first appears, but a paying guest, renting Julian’s roommate’s room (unbeknownst to the roommate, naturally) while he’s out of town on business. That said, Julian is quite eager to provide Frank with some extra personal service, if Frank would just pick up on the signals.

David Vaughn and Daniel Lipshutz in the 2016 movie SHARED ROOMS.
Julian’s signals aren’t exactly ambiguous.
But then the roommate, Dylan (Robert Werner), returns much earlier than expected, complicating Julian’s plans to seduce Frank, to say nothing of his clandestine subletting scheme. Dylan’s pissed that his room is being rented to strangers (“You call them strangers, I call them customers,” Julian says), though not nearly as angry as he should be. It turns out Dylan’s harbored a secret crush on Julian ever since they moved in together. Being forced to share a bed with Julian for a week might be what it takes for his deceptive roomie to see him as more than one half of the rent payment. Personally, I found Julian’s charms to be strictly physical (as played by Lipshutz, Julian is so oily it’s a safe bet he’s embezzling from his clients), but then Dylan wouldn’t be the first gay man to let a nice ass cloud his judgment.

Daniel Lipshutz and Robert Werner in a scene from SHARED ROOMS
Dylan considers a midnight snack.
Finally, there is Sid (Justin Xavier Smith, delivering every line in a mocking drone), who has arranged a Christmas hook-up with Dylan’s ex, Gray (yet another actor with three names, Alex Neil Miller), through the Grindr-like app Manhandler (or is it Manhandlr?). Sid is so eager to get down to business that he greets Gray in all his full frontal glory, and quickly helps his sultry-voiced trick out of his clothes, giving us another penis to admire, albeit briefly. The pair remain naked for most of the movie as Gray stays for a second round, then a third, and ultimately until New Year’s Eve. When the couple isn’t fucking they’re discussing David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest, (“I read every chapter, every footnote, every end note, and I can’t even begin to tell you what it is about,” says Gray), spirituality (Sid believes in God; Gray’s an atheist), and Americans’ hypocritical attitudes about nudity (Sid tells of an actor friend who refuses to do full frontal nudity for acting roles but posts dick pics on Manhandler). These conversations, plus more personal revelations, soon transform their impersonal sexual encounter into a full-fledged relationship.

Justin Xavier Smith and Alex Neil Miller in a scene from SHARED ROOMS
Justin Xavier Smith and Alex Neil Miller go
full frontal early but not often.
The three storylines converge at Cal and Laslo’s New Year’s Steve-Not-Eve Party, where Williams doesn’t tie things up with a big red ribbon so much as slap one of those dollar store self-adhesive bows on top before wishing us a Happy New Year. 

Christopher Grant Pearson and Alec Manly Wilson in a scene from SHARED ROOMS
Laslo and Cal toast the conclusion of Shared Rooms.

Still Room for Improvement

As I said, Shared Rooms is one of Williams’ better movies. Unlike the aforementioned Long-Term Relationship, Shared Rooms almost manages to pass itself off as a made-for-TV movie rather than the work of a beginning YouTuber. The issues with pacing, tone and acting that plague his earlier movies aren’t as abundant this time out. Though the movie has its sluggish moments, particularly during the Sid and Gray scenes, it makes more efficient use of its 75-minute runtime. There are fewer tonal shifts, too, though the Zeke storyline threatens to take this bubbly gay rom-com into turgid melodrama territory, but thankfully Williams settles on letting it become A Very Special Episode with jokes about butt fucking.

Alex Neil Miller in a scene from the 2016 movie SHARED ROOMS.
Alex Neil Miller’s hair is on purpose, apparently.
It’s the cast who get the most credit for making Shared Rooms pleasant viewing. Wilson and Pearson are well matched, making their characters believable as a couple as well as funny. Pearson’s mocking the script he’s writing for a Lifetime-esque Christmas movie is a particular high point (“And the award goes to…something other than this crap.”) Werner and Miller were also standouts, as much for their persistent bed heads as their acting. What did they do that caused hair and makeup to refuse brushing their unruly mops, I wonder?

Just because this is one of Williams’ stronger films doesn’t mean the director has fully overcome his weaknesses, however. Though his script has plenty of funny moments, it has just as many hack jokes (“That’s what he said.”) that even his best actors can’t save. Williams also continues to be way too reliant on contrived situations, being especially fond of characters withholding information for dramatic/comedic effect, e.g., Zeke’s inability to make direct statements about, well, pretty much every fucking thing, be it his identity or his underwear preferences (yet freely sharing that he’s a bottom). Williams isn’t the first screenwriter to resort to hack jokes and plot contrivances, of course, but they don’t do his movie any favors.  

Justin Xavier Smith and Alex Neil Miller in SHARED ROOMS
This looks sweet, but it’s a totally impractical way
to watch a movie. Does Sid not own a TV?

Still, it’s good to see Williams is learning from his past mistakes. As it stands, Shared Rooms is a pleasant little gay rom-com, with enough laughs and gratuitous nudity to put one in a forgiving mood when confronted by its shortcomings. It’s not essential viewing, but it’s watchable, and for a Rob Williams movie, watchable is high praise.

*A goal I obviously failed to achieve. Happy 2021, regardless.

Monday, December 21, 2020

Have Yourself Straight-Friendly Gay Christmas

Posters for THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE, DASHING IN DECEMBER and THE CHRISTMAS SETUP

Another holiday, another obligatory post about holiday-themed entertainment. My original plan was to review a Christmas-themed gay porn movie from the 1970s, except I couldn’t find one. Oh, there are plenty of Christmas-themed scenes, but no one seemed to think there was a market for a holiday-themed gay feature during porn’s Golden Age. There’s the new shit, of course, but I really wanted to review something that had a little more narrative than “Santa fucks an elf.”

Covers for Christmas-themed gay porn videos.
Maybe later.
So, I went in the opposite direction, checking out instead three TV movies released this year that feature LGBTQ storylines. And while the networks releasing these movies are getting much praise for including LGBTQ characters, it should be understood that these movies go to great lengths to scrub away all the sexual from homosexual. Though, to be fair, the straight characters aren’t exactly dripping with erotic intent. In the world of these movies, romance just means, to borrow a line from a friend of mine, holding hands and thinking pure thoughts.

Let’s start with the Hallmark Channel’s THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE, which premiered this past November. Last year, Hallmark sparked the ire of One Million Moms (which is, reportedly, significantly fewer moms than that) when the network aired an ad for the wedding planning site Zola featuring (gasp!) a lesbian couple. Hallmark pulled the ad, then faced an even bigger backlash. Hallmark, no doubt flustered by the discovery that homosexuals buy shit, too, re-instated the ad and committed itself to creating more inclusive content, of which The Christmas House is a direct result.

Brad Harder and Jonathan Bennett in THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE
Hey gays! Here’s a movie just for you from your
friends at the Hallmark Channel.


Robert Buckley and Ana Ayora in Hallmark's THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE.
Psyche! The Christmas House is really about these two.
However, I wouldn’t nominate Hallmark for a GLAAD Award just yet, for while The Christmas House includes gay characters, its primary story is decidedly hetero, and very, very white. The white hetero in question is Mike Mitchell (Robert Buckley, of iZombie and One Tree Hill fame), the lead actor of a cheesy TV legal drama Handsome Justice. The Christmas House even opens with a scene from the fake show—a daring move, as the self-aware cheese of Handsome Justice is barely distinguishable from the regular cheese of the Hallmark Channel. After the show wraps for the holidays, Mike learns its current season might be its last. He barely has time to process this news before getting a call from his parents, Phylis (yes, just one ‘l’) and Bill (Sharon Lawrence and Treat Williams, respectively), insisting he move his visit to upstate New York up a couple weeks to help them transform the family home into one big gaudy holiday display, the titular Christmas House. It’s a tradition the family hasn’t kept up in years, but Mom’s just retired from her teaching job and wants a project. (Dad retired a few years earlier—from what, we don’t know, but he must’ve been making bank to afford his wife’s facelifts and transform his home into Busch Gardens’ Christmas Town.)

Also roped into this project are Mike’s brother Brandon (Jonathan Bennett) and his husband Jake (Brad Harder). Brandon and Jake are trying to adopt a baby, but fuck them, what about Mike getting back together with his childhood crush, Andi (Ana Ayora)? The recently divorced Andi, with her pre-teen son Noah (Mattia Castrillo) in tow, has moved back to her mother’s place next door to the Mitchells. She’s also Mike’s parents’ real estate agent, a revelation that suddenly has Mike getting nostalgic for his childhood home and re-examining his choices. What’s the life of a C-list actor when he could live an upper-middle class life in suburbia with the just-remembered love of his life?

The cast of Hallmark Channel's THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE.
Jonathan Bennett and Brad Harder wait for a seat at the table.

The Christmas House is pretty much everything I expected from a Hallmark movie: a big bundle of clichés slathered with a glistening glaze of schmaltz. And yet, I didn’t hate it. Buckley is an engaging lead (not to mention very easy on the eyes), well-matched by smoky-voiced Ayora. Lawrence manages a passable Florence Henderson-as-Carol Brady impersonation, while Williams, whose character is fond of bad jokes (“What do you call a Christmas tree that knows Kung Fu? Spruce Lee.”), is endearingly goofy. Bennett and Harder, both out IRL, are fine, but they’re just there to help Hallmark earn brownie points with the LGBTQs and not much else. Their characters could be cut and the story wouldn’t be affected in the slightest.

At least the Paramount Network had the decency to make its gay cast members the leads of DASHING IN DECEMBER. Too bad that’s like if Lehman Brothers named their first Black CEO on September 14, 2008.

Speaking of heartless financial firms, one of Dashing’s main characters, Wyatt Burwall (Peter Porte) works for one. A conversation with Wyatt’s hard-ass boss during an office Christmas party reveals that Wyatt’s on track for a Big Promotion, provided he puts together one more Big Deal, because at this firm, promotions are transactional. To hammer home that Wyatt’s got no work/life balance (and that he works for an asshole), his boss is slightly miffed that Wyatt’s going to Colorado for the holidays to see his mother, whom he hasn’t seen in two years, but is calmed when Wyatt explains he’s taking his laptop along. Happy Holidays! Then Wyatt cruises the party’s hunky bartender. I’m sure they later sneaked away to snort coke and blow each other in a supply closet, but the movie chose not to expose audiences to such trashy behavior. Maybe they’ll include that part as a Blu-ray extra. (Note to Paramount: You most definitely should include that part as a Blu-ray extra.)

“Meet me in the supply closet in 15 minutes.”
Though Wyatt hasn’t seen his mother in two years, his reason for returning home isn’t entirely sentimental. It seems the family’s horse farm has been in dire financial straits since Dad died, and Wyatt wants to convince his mother to sell before she sinks all her retirement savings (and his financial assistance) into this money pit. He’s so determined, in fact, that he presents his mother Deb (Andie MacDowell, aging naturally and looking all the better for it) with a sales proposal during dinner on his first night home.

Andie MacDowell in DASHING IN DECEMBER
Andie MacDowell’s part is more like a spokesmodel
than a character.

Peter Porte in DASHING IN DECEMBER.
The moment Heath knew he
would destroy that ass.

Employed by the ranch are Blake (Caroline Harris), who dated Wyatt in high school before he came out and is seemingly the only Black person in Colorado, and Heath (Juan Pablo Di Pace), who may be Colorado’s only gay person. Or so I assume, given his masochistic pursuit of Wyatt. Though the two men exchange interested glances when Wyatt first arrives, Deb’s son is clearly more interested in establishing himself as an insufferable douchebag than pursuing a holiday romance. He keeps “accidentally” calling Heath “Hank,” insults the wine Heath brings for dinner (“You can’t drink this!”) and shows little concern for the employees who will be displaced should Deb decide to sell. Heath is understandably put off by Wyatt’s negging, but…dat ass! Wyatt eventually becomes a little less resistant to Heath’s charms, though for much of the movie he seems to view Heath more as a rival for his mother’s approval than a potential romantic partner. More perplexing is Heath’s continued interest in Wyatt. I, for one, think personality counts for a lot, so if, say, Chris Hemsworth were to treat me like shit, he’d immediately go from a 10 to a 4. I would be open to one night of hate sex, however.

Because the Christmas movie genre mandates that there be no surprises, Wyatt and Heath not only become a couple, but Wyatt manages to save the farm, too, his solution so simplistic and obvious that you’ll question how these characters hadn’t driven the farm into bankruptcy years earlier.

Dashing in December is a prime example of why “TV movie” is a pejorative in so many people’s minds. These movies usually trade in clichés, but few are so nakedly insincere. Dashing looks so much like a 90-minute commercial that I half-expected Andie MacDowell to turn directly to the camera and urge viewers to wrap themselves in savings at Kohl’s while modeling one of her shawls. In fact, it’s remarkable that in this movie that appears specifically crafted for product placement has only one moment that’s blatantly shot to appease a sponsor.

Subtle.

Dashing isn’t all bad. Di Pace manages to manufacture a dimension-and-a-half more for Heath from the single one supplied by writer-director Jake Helgren. Plus, he gets bonus points for making the line “You could use some holiday spirit” sound sexually suggestive. And unlike the other TV Christmas movies I watched, Dashing at least acknowledges that its gay main characters have carnal desires, such as when Wyatt, dressed only in holiday-themed boxer briefs, walks into the bathroom and surprises a freshly showered Heath in his holiday-themed boxer briefs. The POV camera pan from Wyatt’s crotch to his rippling torso makes it clear Heath has more in mind than holding hands.

Peter Porte shows off his Christmas spirit in DASHING IN DECEMBER
Or maybe Dashing in December was just trying to sell boxer briefs.

Finally, there’s Lifetime’s LGBTQ Christmas movie offering, THE CHRISTMAS SETUP. I’ll confess that I didn’t go into this with an entirely open mind. I, like a lot of people, don’t hold Lifetime TV movies in high esteem. This is the network that gave us Liz & Dick and Drew Peterson: Untouchable, after all. Granted, I enjoyed both those movies, but only because I watched them ironically. I fully intended to watch The Christmas Setup ironically as well.

There’s certainly nothing about The Christmas Setup’s story that makes it unique. Once again, we have a New York-based gay son with a demanding career — an attorney this time out — angling for a promotion. And once again, that son, Hugo (Ben Lewis), leaves town for the holidays to visit his mother, who resides in a slower-paced, gentler town (I’m not sure if that describes Milwaukee, but it’s not Manhattan, so sure). He brings along Madelyn (Ellen Wong), his BFF, because what else is she going to do, visit her own family? Oh, fuck no!

Blake Lee in THE CHRISTMAS SETUP
Patrick (Blake Lee) sells Christmas trees
and creates wood.
But if Hugo and Madelyn think they’ll have relaxing visit, Hugo’s widowed mom Kate (Fran Drescher) has another think coming to them. She’s chairing the neighborhood Christmas festival and she’s already volunteered her visitors to assist in setting it up. I can relate; this is the kind of shit my mom likes to do. However, unlike when she volunteered my brother and I to assist at one of her church events, Hugo does not yell at his mother about having no respect for his time, as well as saying a lot of things that he’ll regret later, and Kate does not scream things like, “Well, I’m sorry I’m such a horrible mother!” before bursting into tears and then locking herself in the bathroom for an hour. No, Hugo just makes a few halfhearted protests before doing what his mother asks.  

One of the things Hugo’s asked to do is take a Christmas tree delivery from Patrick (Lewis’ real-life husband Blake Lee), and I’ll have to admit that would make me pretty agreeable to having my Christmas break hijacked. Patrick is one of those impossibly perfect people that only exist in fiction: handsome, financially independent (he created an app, sold it and was able to retire in his early thirties), and genuinely nice. I’m sure he has an eight-inch cock, too. The attraction between the pair is immediate, but Hugo can’t seem to get out of his own way. At one point I found myself shouting at the TV, “C’mon, does he have to slap his dick in your face for you to get a clue?” Also: “Can that be in a scene, please?”

Ben Lewis, Fran Drescher and Blake Lee in THE CHRISTMAS SETUP
“So, are you two ever gonna fuck?”
I wasn’t the only one waiting for Hugo to get a clue. Kate has been steering Hugo into Patrick’s orbit, hoping her son will get a boyfriend for Christmas, hence the movie’s title. She’s not as overbearing a matchmaker as she is a Christmas festival chair, and her restraint pays off as the two guys find their way into a sweet romance. She even gets a bonus match-up when her older son Aiden (another out actor, Chad Connell, who really does a pair of pants justice) comes home and takes a liking to Madelyn. 

Halfway through The Christmas Setup I was suddenly struck with the realization that, holy shit, this movie is actually good. It’s no holiday classic (in my book, that would be Christmas Evil and/or White Reindeer), but it was by far the best of the 2020 Christmas LGBTQ movies I watched for this post, and that’s largely attributable to the cast’s performances. Real-life partners don’t always have the same chemistry on screen (#Bennifer), but the romantic sparks between the charmingly adorkable Lewis and the oh-so-fuckable adorable Lee are palpable. Drescher is an actress I generally prefer in small doses (I can take only so much of her foghorn of a voice, which sounds a bit rusty these days), yet even though The Christmas Setup exceeds that dosage I enjoyed having her around. I just wish writer Michael J. Murray had given her a sarcastic edge to take full advantage of Drescher’s strengths. (We’ll overlook that someone who fought to ensure The Nanny reflected its titular character’s Jewish heritage is playing a character who’s positively moist for Christmas.) 

Ben Lewis and Blake Lee in THE CHRISTMAS SETUP
Awwww! They’re so cute, I want to slap them.
Above all, even though The Christmas Setup’s story isn’t much different from Dashing in December’s and its script not much wittier than The Christmas House’s, it’s clear everyone involved is committed to the project, and their enthusiasm is infectious. Good job, Lifetime! But I’m still plan on making fun of your movies in the future.

Xmas Excess, Moms and Empty Cups

The three 2020 Christmas TV movies had a lot more in common than just including gay actors and characters. All three exist in a world where the so-called War on Christmas has been won and Santa has been named Dictator for Life, with Gretchen Carlson his second in command. In this world, if you don’t spend at least $75 grand on Christmas decorations you’re a motherfucking Grinch and should go back to whatever godless nation you came from. The characters in Dashing at least have a business reason for decking the halls so extravagantly, and yet they are the most restrained, creating what I imagine a Crate & Barrel holiday theme park would look like. And neighborhood Christmas festivals aren’t exactly known for their understatement, so The Christmas Setup also gets a pass. But the Mitchells in The Christmas House need to seriously re-think their priorities. How about dialing back the decorations a little bit, maybe donate the $50,000 savings to a food bank or homeless shelter? Or do I not understand the true meaning of Christmas?

I also found it interesting that while all three of these movies hyped their inclusion of gay characters and talent, both in front of and behind the camera, they didn’t strike me as being made for gay audiences. Instead, I think the target audience is their mothers. All three movies make visiting and helping mom the catalyst of their respective stories, and all three, with their sweet, sexless romances and mild humor meant to be cute rather than funny, seem designed to warm Mom’s heart more than truly reflect the lives of the gay characters. Granted, a lot of this is attributable to network branding (the Hallmark Channel isn’t exactly known for edgy content), but I think a truly gay Christmas movie would have more sexiness and sarcasm than straight sugary sentimentality.

Screen grabs from THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE, DASHING IN DECEMBER and THE CHRISTMAS SETUP
Hallmark, Paramount and Lifetime were ready to present
LGBTQ characters, but still reticent about showing hot beverages.
Finally, what’s up with the empty cups? In every one of these movies characters drink from obviously empty coffee cups. In the rare instance liquids are poured into these cups at all, it’s a fraction of the amount a person would normally drink. I’m sure if any P.A. brought a producer or director of any of these movies a cup containing four tablespoons of coffee they would get a dressing down that would make Tom Cruise’s recent on-set tirade seem like a polite reminder about workplace safety. They might even be killed. The only time these movies — and TV in general — seems to show an interest in accurately reflecting how people consume beverages is when characters are drinking alcohol. Only then can characters pour liberally and often.