Sunday, December 31, 2023
Saturday, December 24, 2022
Queer Christmas 2022 Gets Sweet n' Sticky
Though Merry & Gay provided an opportunity to shine a spotlight on some lesbian holiday action and A Christmas to Treasure, a Lifetime movie directed by Jake Helgren, provided low-hanging fruit ripe for picking, I decided to check out Hallmark’s THE HOLIDAY SITTER, starring The Christmas House’s Jonathan Bennett.
But then I learned about another queer holiday movie, Falcon Studios’ CUMMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS. Though I really didn’t want to subscribe to another streaming service, I figured, what the hell, it’s Christmas. Besides, Falcon was having a sale on memberships. How could I resist?
The two movies do have a lot of similarities. Both feature main characters who lead very hectic lives in New York City, played by men who nicely fill out a pair of slacks, though I suspect only one of them is wearing any underwear. In Sitter, Sam (Jonathan Bennett) is a financial adviser to the super rich. “Right now, I’m trying to convince one client not to buy a social media company,” he tells a date at the beginning of the movie. In Cumming, Dan (Dan Saxon) is an attorney working “twenty-four-hour days.” Maybe that’s why he’s so sleepy.
Jonathan Bennett (right) of The Holiday Sitter and Dan Saxon of Cumming Home for Christmas play very busy men, though only one appears to be handling the stress well (#edibles). |
Dan, on the other hand, travels to sunny California where his brother Trevor (Trevor Brooks) lives in the family home with his partner Dakota (Dakota Payne), simply because he wants to visit. So, clearly, Dan doesn’t need to be guilted into spending time with his family. Maybe that’s because his family, unlike Sam’s in Sitter, doesn’t give him shit about putting so much energy into his career.
Jonathan Bennett smiles bravely as he walks through hell. |
Jason (George Krissa) kisses his Mr. Right in The Holiday Sitter while Dan Saxon kisses his Mr. Right Now, Cole Connor, in Cumming Home for Christmas. |
The financial concerns are a bit more dire in Cumming. Trevor tells Dan that the family bakery is not doing well and could close its doors for good if business doesn’t pick up before Christmas. A bigger, corporate bakery is already angling to buy them out, cheap. As in Sitter, help comes from outside the family unit, in the muscular form of Dan’s high school boyfriend DeAngelo Jackson, played by—you guessed it—DeAngelo Jackson. Though Dan is initially reticent about getting back together with DeAngelo, he soon lets him back into his life. When Dan tells DeAngelo about the plight of the family bakery, his former-soon-to-be-current beau offers to help, arranging a meeting between DeAngelo’s friend Isaiah Taye, who “runs a bunch of restaurants in the area,” and Dakota.
Dakota is a shrewder negotiator than Trevor. |
Which is about as believable as the movie’s assertion those muffins are homemade. |
The lawsuits alone will finish this bakery once clients discover where the butter has been. |
Who Christmases Best?
TV holiday movies are so formulaic that whether they feature CisHet or queer leads, Whites or people of color, you pretty much know what you’re in for and The Holiday Sitter and Cumming Home for Christmas are no exception. Both exist in a fantasy world where all problems, be they personal or financial, are easily solved with a Christmas miracle. The Sitter at least takes a moment to acknowledge the realities of gay life, albeit mildly, as when Sam tells Kathleen about why he’s never considered fatherhood: “You’ve known your whole life that marriage and kids were at least an option. That hasn’t been my experience.”
Yet, while Falcon gets props for casting people of color in Cumming Home for Christmas, it makes no mention of LGBTQ’s historic struggles to get the rights to marry and to adopt, instead perpetuating the myth that the only hardship a gay man faces is having to decide which hot guy to fuck and when. Well, that has not been my experience, Falcon Studios. On the other hand, it was refreshing to see a queer storyline in the 2020s that didn’t feel beholden to hetero-normative values. As John Waters once observed, not having kids is one of the privileges of being gay.
The subtle acting style of Jonathan Bennett. |
Cade Maddox and Taylor Reign make ATM festive (but no less disgusting) for the holidays. |
Of course, how can audiences expect Emmy (or Grabby) winning acting when both movies trade in cliches, with characters so blandly written that you barely remember them (this might be why Cumming’s screenwriter Rush just has the performers’ names double as character names). There are a few attempts early in Cumming to suggest it will be campy fun (Dakota: “I thought the main characters couldn’t even kiss until the last frame of these holiday greeting card movies.” Trevor: “But did anyone ever say no anal in act one?”), but that’s quickly dropped once the fucking starts, and then it’s the same ol’ “suck that big dick” drivel we’ve heard time and time again. That said, I would adopt a child just so I could sacrifice it if George Krissa were to gasp, “Oh, I love your hole,” before burying his face in Bennett’s ass, just as Dakota Payne does before giving Trevor Brooks a toe-curling rim job in Cumming.
Ultimately, for all their similarities, The Holiday Sitter is the better of the two queer Christmas movies. However, Cumming Home for Christmas does set itself apart in one important way: it’s likely one of the few Christmas movies you’ll see this year to feature candy cane butt play.
Your move, Hallmark.
Monday, December 13, 2021
A Gay Glucose Drip for Christmas with a Booger Sugar Chaser
My husband had this to say about Christmas movies: “You can go schmaltzy or take the piss out of the holiday. Neither the twain shall meet.” Though there have been a few exceptions (A Christmas Story, kind of), he’s right. As far as holiday movies are concerned, Christmas is a time of either sugary sentimentality or unbridled debauchery (or terror), no mixing.
Now that holiday movies are trying to be a little more inclusive—and I stress a little— studios might also want to try to combine sappy and the cynical. And who better to tie the nice, the gaudy and the naughty into one fabulous bow than the queer community? I’d hoped that maybe, just maybe, the Netflix movie SINGLE ALL THE WAY would be the one to break down this barrier between the sentimental and the salacious.
I took the inclusion of Kathy Najimy and Jennifer Coolidge in Single All the Way’s cast as a good sign, and though I’ve been burned by Netflix queer content before (the platform’s 2019 version of Tales of the City qualifies as a hate crime, against Laura Linney if not LGBTQs), I held out hope that since Netflix wasn’t bound by the same restraints as the Hallmark Channel, its queer holiday movie would at least spike its eggnog.
The opening scene suggests this gay Christmas might be a little sexier. |
Michael Urie tries his best to act against Tim Lund’s wig-like hair. |
Instead, Peter convinces his roommate Nick (Philemon Chambers) to come home with him and pretend to be his new beau. Nick is understandably reluctant, first claiming he’s looking forward to having a Christmas staycation, then saying he doesn’t want to dip into his savings to buy a plane ticket (both valid reasons). Peter counters with rapid exposition: he doesn’t want Nick to be alone with his memories of his recently deceased mother, and as for Nick’s finances, he has the money he got from publishing a children’s book about his dog, Emmett. “Now you have all this money in the bank that you’re saving for a rainy day. And look—” Nick gestures at his own anguished visage—“it’s pouring.”
Philemon Chambers mimics my reaction to Single All the Way’s dialog. |
Kathy Najimy’s face hidden to protect her dignity. |
“I don’t care if my mom is standing there, I will suck your cock right now!” |
OK, he meant that literally, but I still felt the heat between these two. |
Regretfully, Single All the Way doesn’t take this opportunity to make a facial joke. |
I spent the first thirty minutes of Single All the Way groaning and rolling my eyes at the obvious jokes (old people struggling with their smartphones; referring to HGTV as the “Homosexual Gay” network; “Christmas Carole”), but the movie eventually won me over as it went along.
The moment I was won over. |
And Bette Midler impersonator. |
“What is felching?” |
Straight Christmas Cynicism
After watching Single All the Way, I immediately wanted to watch something cynical to cut the sweetness, so I watched Zach Clark’s 2013 black comedy WHITE REINDEER.
Single All the Way also gave me a strong desire to subscribe to Noir Male, but I guess that’s not Christmas-y enough for this post. |
Jeff gives Suzanne an excuse to buy Hawaiian Christmas CDs. |
But Suzanne’s dreams of a holiday luau end abruptly when she returns home from Christmas shopping to discover her home ransacked and her husband’s brains splattered across the floor. She’s still in the early stages of grief when one of her husband’s colleagues, wracked with guilt, reveals that Jeff was having an affair with a stripper named Autumn, who worked at a club near the TV station.
Autumn meets her lover’s widow. |
The high holidays. |
Unless you’re Thomas Middleditch. |
The party always ends up in the kitchen. |
Though a few other things happen on the way down. |
Suzanne is determined to have the best Christmas money can buy. |
Friday, January 1, 2021
In this Case, ‘Watchable’ is High Praise
Don’t be dissuaded by the text, “A Rob Williams Film.” |
Then I checked out the external reviews on IMDb and saw that plenty of other people had already reviewed this movie, and that my lil’ ol’ blog would likely get lost in that long list of other blogs. So, I passed on zombie horror in favor for the gay holiday comedy SHARED ROOMS, a choice made with such haste that I didn’t even notice that I’d selected a Rob Williams movie. Well, I knew this day would come eventually.
In all fairness, Rob Williams isn’t the worst writer-director to pick up a digital camera. Even his weakest movies aren’t as bad as the works of Jeff London, or that Tommy Wiseau of gay cinema, Sam Mraovich (that said, Ben & Arthur is a must-see for fans of bad movies, regardless of how one identifies sexually). But his earlier movies — Long-Term Relationship and Back Soon — left me hoping that before Williams made any more films he might consider taking some classes in how that’s done.
Well, maybe he did. Williams showed marked improvement with his 2010 romance Role/Play, and Shared Rooms is better still. Keep in mind, though, that the bar Williams needed to clear is pretty low.
Shared Rooms follows the three different sets of gay Los Angelenos during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve of a much happier time (2016, presumably, the same year this movie was released; alas, we still can’t escape a reference to the soon-to-be-former-President of the United States). The movie opens with Cal (Alec Manly Wilson) and his screenwriter husband Laslo (Christopher Grant Pearson), making catty comments to their dinner guests about mutual friends who have adopted a baby. “They go from gay dates to play dates,” Cal quips. Their guests, Blake and Ivan (respectively Eric Allen Smith and Christopher Patrino, both men mugging so hard they risk popping blood vessels) then sheepishly announce that they’re having a baby through a surrogate. (“We’re pregnant!”)
The nuanced acting of Eric Allen Smith and Christopher Patrino. |
Woodstock becomes a real boy! |
Later that evening, Cal and Laslo reaffirm their commitment to remain childless. “But,” Cal adds, “we can keep trying the old fashioned way.” As fate and plot devices would have it, however, the couple must reconsider their decision to give fatherhood a pass when Cal’s 17-year-old gay nephew Zeke (twitchy Ryan Weldon) shows up on their front doorstep, kicked out by his mother for being an “abomination.” Cal, who’s sister’s homophobia lead her to cut him from her life before Zeke was born, feels the teen is owed a safe space. Plus, the boy can whip up an all-the-carbs-you-can-eat breakfast in no time. (Seriously, movie, coffee cake, stacks of toast and pillars of pancakes? Even Honey Boo Boo would consider that excessive.)
If your breakfast for three can’t be shown in a single shot, you’re eating too goddamn much. |
Elsewhere, Cal and Laslo’s accountant, Julian (Daniel Lipshutz), is entertaining lanky, salt-and-pepper stud Frank (David Vaughn). Frank is not Julian’s date, as it first appears, but a paying guest, renting Julian’s roommate’s room (unbeknownst to the roommate, naturally) while he’s out of town on business. That said, Julian is quite eager to provide Frank with some extra personal service, if Frank would just pick up on the signals.
Julian’s signals aren’t exactly ambiguous. |
Dylan considers a midnight snack. |
Justin Xavier Smith and Alex Neil Miller go full frontal early but not often. |
Laslo and Cal toast the conclusion of Shared Rooms. |
Still Room for Improvement
As I said, Shared Rooms is one of Williams’ better movies. Unlike the aforementioned Long-Term Relationship, Shared Rooms almost manages to pass itself off as a made-for-TV movie rather than the work of a beginning YouTuber. The issues with pacing, tone and acting that plague his earlier movies aren’t as abundant this time out. Though the movie has its sluggish moments, particularly during the Sid and Gray scenes, it makes more efficient use of its 75-minute runtime. There are fewer tonal shifts, too, though the Zeke storyline threatens to take this bubbly gay rom-com into turgid melodrama territory, but thankfully Williams settles on letting it become A Very Special Episode with jokes about butt fucking.
Alex Neil Miller’s hair is on purpose, apparently. |
Just because this is one of Williams’ stronger films doesn’t mean the director has fully overcome his weaknesses, however. Though his script has plenty of funny moments, it has just as many hack jokes (“That’s what he said.”) that even his best actors can’t save. Williams also continues to be way too reliant on contrived situations, being especially fond of characters withholding information for dramatic/comedic effect, e.g., Zeke’s inability to make direct statements about, well, pretty much every fucking thing, be it his identity or his underwear preferences (yet freely sharing that he’s a bottom). Williams isn’t the first screenwriter to resort to hack jokes and plot contrivances, of course, but they don’t do his movie any favors.
This looks sweet, but it’s a totally impractical way to watch a movie. Does Sid not own a TV? |
Still, it’s good to see Williams is learning from his past mistakes. As it stands, Shared Rooms is a pleasant little gay rom-com, with enough laughs and gratuitous nudity to put one in a forgiving mood when confronted by its shortcomings. It’s not essential viewing, but it’s watchable, and for a Rob Williams movie, watchable is high praise.
*A goal I obviously failed to achieve. Happy 2021, regardless.
Monday, December 21, 2020
Have Yourself Straight-Friendly Gay Christmas
Another holiday, another obligatory post about holiday-themed entertainment. My original plan was to review a Christmas-themed gay porn movie from the 1970s, except I couldn’t find one. Oh, there are plenty of Christmas-themed scenes, but no one seemed to think there was a market for a holiday-themed gay feature during porn’s Golden Age. There’s the new shit, of course, but I really wanted to review something that had a little more narrative than “Santa fucks an elf.”
Maybe later. |
Let’s start with the Hallmark Channel’s THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE, which premiered this past November. Last year, Hallmark sparked the ire of One Million Moms (which is, reportedly, significantly fewer moms than that) when the network aired an ad for the wedding planning site Zola featuring (gasp!) a lesbian couple. Hallmark pulled the ad, then faced an even bigger backlash. Hallmark, no doubt flustered by the discovery that homosexuals buy shit, too, re-instated the ad and committed itself to creating more inclusive content, of which The Christmas House is a direct result.
Hey gays! Here’s a movie just for you from your friends at the Hallmark Channel. |
Psyche! The Christmas House is really about these two. |
Also roped into this project are Mike’s brother Brandon (Jonathan Bennett) and his husband Jake (Brad Harder). Brandon and Jake are trying to adopt a baby, but fuck them, what about Mike getting back together with his childhood crush, Andi (Ana Ayora)? The recently divorced Andi, with her pre-teen son Noah (Mattia Castrillo) in tow, has moved back to her mother’s place next door to the Mitchells. She’s also Mike’s parents’ real estate agent, a revelation that suddenly has Mike getting nostalgic for his childhood home and re-examining his choices. What’s the life of a C-list actor when he could live an upper-middle class life in suburbia with the just-remembered love of his life?
Jonathan Bennett and Brad Harder wait for a seat at the table. |
The Christmas House is pretty much everything I expected from a Hallmark movie: a big bundle of clichés slathered with a glistening glaze of schmaltz. And yet, I didn’t hate it. Buckley is an engaging lead (not to mention very easy on the eyes), well-matched by smoky-voiced Ayora. Lawrence manages a passable Florence Henderson-as-Carol Brady impersonation, while Williams, whose character is fond of bad jokes (“What do you call a Christmas tree that knows Kung Fu? Spruce Lee.”), is endearingly goofy. Bennett and Harder, both out IRL, are fine, but they’re just there to help Hallmark earn brownie points with the LGBTQs and not much else. Their characters could be cut and the story wouldn’t be affected in the slightest.
At least the Paramount Network had the decency to make its gay cast members the leads of DASHING IN DECEMBER. Too bad that’s like if Lehman Brothers named their first Black CEO on September 14, 2008.
Speaking of heartless financial firms, one of Dashing’s main characters, Wyatt Burwall (Peter Porte) works for one. A conversation with Wyatt’s hard-ass boss during an office Christmas party reveals that Wyatt’s on track for a Big Promotion, provided he puts together one more Big Deal, because at this firm, promotions are transactional. To hammer home that Wyatt’s got no work/life balance (and that he works for an asshole), his boss is slightly miffed that Wyatt’s going to Colorado for the holidays to see his mother, whom he hasn’t seen in two years, but is calmed when Wyatt explains he’s taking his laptop along. Happy Holidays! Then Wyatt cruises the party’s hunky bartender. I’m sure they later sneaked away to snort coke and blow each other in a supply closet, but the movie chose not to expose audiences to such trashy behavior. Maybe they’ll include that part as a Blu-ray extra. (Note to Paramount: You most definitely should include that part as a Blu-ray extra.)
“Meet me in the supply closet in 15 minutes.” |
Andie MacDowell’s part is more like a spokesmodel than a character. |
The moment Heath knew he would destroy that ass. |
Employed by the ranch are Blake (Caroline Harris), who dated Wyatt in high school before he came out and is seemingly the only Black person in Colorado, and Heath (Juan Pablo Di Pace), who may be Colorado’s only gay person. Or so I assume, given his masochistic pursuit of Wyatt. Though the two men exchange interested glances when Wyatt first arrives, Deb’s son is clearly more interested in establishing himself as an insufferable douchebag than pursuing a holiday romance. He keeps “accidentally” calling Heath “Hank,” insults the wine Heath brings for dinner (“You can’t drink this!”) and shows little concern for the employees who will be displaced should Deb decide to sell. Heath is understandably put off by Wyatt’s negging, but…dat ass! Wyatt eventually becomes a little less resistant to Heath’s charms, though for much of the movie he seems to view Heath more as a rival for his mother’s approval than a potential romantic partner. More perplexing is Heath’s continued interest in Wyatt. I, for one, think personality counts for a lot, so if, say, Chris Hemsworth were to treat me like shit, he’d immediately go from a 10 to a 4. I would be open to one night of hate sex, however.
Because the Christmas movie genre mandates that there be no surprises, Wyatt and Heath not only become a couple, but Wyatt manages to save the farm, too, his solution so simplistic and obvious that you’ll question how these characters hadn’t driven the farm into bankruptcy years earlier.
Dashing in December is a prime example of why “TV movie” is a pejorative in so many people’s minds. These movies usually trade in clichés, but few are so nakedly insincere. Dashing looks so much like a 90-minute commercial that I half-expected Andie MacDowell to turn directly to the camera and urge viewers to wrap themselves in savings at Kohl’s while modeling one of her shawls. In fact, it’s remarkable that in this movie that appears specifically crafted for product placement has only one moment that’s blatantly shot to appease a sponsor.
Subtle. |
Dashing isn’t all bad. Di Pace manages to manufacture a dimension-and-a-half more for Heath from the single one supplied by writer-director Jake Helgren. Plus, he gets bonus points for making the line “You could use some holiday spirit” sound sexually suggestive. And unlike the other TV Christmas movies I watched, Dashing at least acknowledges that its gay main characters have carnal desires, such as when Wyatt, dressed only in holiday-themed boxer briefs, walks into the bathroom and surprises a freshly showered Heath in his holiday-themed boxer briefs. The POV camera pan from Wyatt’s crotch to his rippling torso makes it clear Heath has more in mind than holding hands.
Or maybe Dashing in December was just trying to sell boxer briefs. |
Finally, there’s Lifetime’s LGBTQ Christmas movie offering, THE CHRISTMAS SETUP. I’ll confess that I didn’t go into this with an entirely open mind. I, like a lot of people, don’t hold Lifetime TV movies in high esteem. This is the network that gave us Liz & Dick and Drew Peterson: Untouchable, after all. Granted, I enjoyed both those movies, but only because I watched them ironically. I fully intended to watch The Christmas Setup ironically as well.
There’s certainly nothing about The Christmas Setup’s story that makes it unique. Once again, we have a New York-based gay son with a demanding career — an attorney this time out — angling for a promotion. And once again, that son, Hugo (Ben Lewis), leaves town for the holidays to visit his mother, who resides in a slower-paced, gentler town (I’m not sure if that describes Milwaukee, but it’s not Manhattan, so sure). He brings along Madelyn (Ellen Wong), his BFF, because what else is she going to do, visit her own family? Oh, fuck no!
Patrick (Blake Lee) sells Christmas trees and creates wood. |
One of the things Hugo’s asked to do is take a Christmas tree delivery from Patrick (Lewis’ real-life husband Blake Lee), and I’ll have to admit that would make me pretty agreeable to having my Christmas break hijacked. Patrick is one of those impossibly perfect people that only exist in fiction: handsome, financially independent (he created an app, sold it and was able to retire in his early thirties), and genuinely nice. I’m sure he has an eight-inch cock, too. The attraction between the pair is immediate, but Hugo can’t seem to get out of his own way. At one point I found myself shouting at the TV, “C’mon, does he have to slap his dick in your face for you to get a clue?” Also: “Can that be in a scene, please?”
“So, are you two ever gonna fuck?” |
Halfway through The Christmas Setup I was suddenly struck with the realization that, holy shit, this movie is actually good. It’s no holiday classic (in my book, that would be Christmas Evil and/or White Reindeer), but it was by far the best of the 2020 Christmas LGBTQ movies I watched for this post, and that’s largely attributable to the cast’s performances. Real-life partners don’t always have the same chemistry on screen (#Bennifer), but the romantic sparks between the charmingly adorkable Lewis and the oh-so-fuckable adorable Lee are palpable. Drescher is an actress I generally prefer in small doses (I can take only so much of her foghorn of a voice, which sounds a bit rusty these days), yet even though The Christmas Setup exceeds that dosage I enjoyed having her around. I just wish writer Michael J. Murray had given her a sarcastic edge to take full advantage of Drescher’s strengths. (We’ll overlook that someone who fought to ensure The Nanny reflected its titular character’s Jewish heritage is playing a character who’s positively moist for Christmas.)
Awwww! They’re so cute, I want to slap them. |
Xmas Excess, Moms and Empty Cups
The three 2020 Christmas TV movies had a lot more in common than just including gay actors and characters. All three exist in a world where the so-called War on Christmas has been won and Santa has been named Dictator for Life, with Gretchen Carlson his second in command. In this world, if you don’t spend at least $75 grand on Christmas decorations you’re a motherfucking Grinch and should go back to whatever godless nation you came from. The characters in Dashing at least have a business reason for decking the halls so extravagantly, and yet they are the most restrained, creating what I imagine a Crate & Barrel holiday theme park would look like. And neighborhood Christmas festivals aren’t exactly known for their understatement, so The Christmas Setup also gets a pass. But the Mitchells in The Christmas House need to seriously re-think their priorities. How about dialing back the decorations a little bit, maybe donate the $50,000 savings to a food bank or homeless shelter? Or do I not understand the true meaning of Christmas?
I also found it interesting that while all three of these movies hyped their inclusion of gay characters and talent, both in front of and behind the camera, they didn’t strike me as being made for gay audiences. Instead, I think the target audience is their mothers. All three movies make visiting and helping mom the catalyst of their respective stories, and all three, with their sweet, sexless romances and mild humor meant to be cute rather than funny, seem designed to warm Mom’s heart more than truly reflect the lives of the gay characters. Granted, a lot of this is attributable to network branding (the Hallmark Channel isn’t exactly known for edgy content), but I think a truly gay Christmas movie would have more sexiness and sarcasm than straight sugary sentimentality.
Hallmark, Paramount and Lifetime were ready to present LGBTQ characters, but still reticent about showing hot beverages. |
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