Race to the Middle: Ginger vs. Traci

 “Ginger, do you really think they’re going to give you an Oscar? You suck cock for a living, for God’s sake!” 

— Amber Lynn, reacting to Ginger Lynn’s
decision to pursue a mainstream acting career

The above quote came from the podcast Once Upon a Time in the Valley, which, besides revealing Amber Lynn as a surprising voice of reason, sought to uncover the mysteries behind the Traci Lords scandal. Though the podcast ultimately generates as many questions as it answers, it’s still worth a listen.

1980s-era Ginger Lynn,
photographed by Suze Randall

But back to Amber’s comment. While porn stars won’t necessarily be barred from mainstream entertainment, they’ll be lucky if they’re able to make it as far as the D-list. Sure, Sibel Kekilli’s porn past as Dilara didn’t keep her off Game of Thrones, and Sasha Grey was the lead in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience, but they are recent exceptions. The sad truth is, if you suck cock for a living, you’ll not only be denied an Oscar®, you also could be denied a spot on a network reality show.

Still, as long as they make peace with the fact that they’ll never be awarded a gold statuette or know the respect attendant to reality show fame, porn stars can transition to mainstream careers. Inspired by the Once Upon a Time in the Valley podcast, I thought I’d take a look at a couple of the legit movies made by Ginger Lynn and Traci Lords, two of the biggest porn stars of the 1980s and fierce rivals (seriously, Ginger hates Traci), and see if they have the talent and star power to carry a film without sucking any cock (or doing DPs, or anal, or girl-on-girl...).

Right off the bat, I’ll say Ginger Lynn is at a disadvantage. While she has been in some bigger mainstream movies like Young Guns II and The Devil’s Rejects, those roles were too small to provide much of an impression. Also, I fucking HATED The Devil’s Rejects and have no intention of watching it again, ever. How much did I hate it? At least as much as Ginger hates Traci. I hated it so much that I watched two VICE ACADEMY movies instead.

The Vice Academy franchise is the brainchild of writer-director Rick Sloane, the man behind Hobgoblins. Suffice it to say, these movies aren’t exactly going to launch anyone’s career. If anything, the Vice Academy movies are the kind of cinematic dross that leads actors to give up on their Hollywood dreams and just do porn, so I really have to wonder what Ginger Lynn was hoping to achieve by appearing in them. Maybe she just welcomed the opportunity to appear in movies that didn’t require her to fuck Ron Jeremy, which, fair enough.

Ginger Lynn begins to wonder if maybe
Amber had a point.

VICE ACADEMY (1989) is terrible, but it is better than Hobgoblins, if only because its campy sensibility comes off as intentional rather than a byproduct of incompetence. In this Z-grade Police Academy rip-off, Ginger, using her serious actress moniker Ginger Lynn Allen, plays Holly, the stuck-up daughter of the police chief and the top of her class in the titular vice academy (mitigating factor: the combined I.Q. of all the characters in Vice Academy is 35.) Holly’s adversary is DiDi (scream queen Linnea Quigley, squawking all her lines), who, along with friends Shawnee (busty Karen Russell) and Dwayne (Ken Abraham), a character whose sole reason for existence is a repeated nut shot joke, is among the worst students in the class. In a twist, DiDi is the horny one while Holly is Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, though she dresses only slightly more modestly than DiDi. This twist means that it’s DiDi who goes undercover to bust a porno ring and later a prostitution ring. BTW, it also means Quigley is the one showing any skin. You want to see Ginger naked, watch a Ginger Lynn video. Ginger Lynn Allen is above such crass exploitation—for now, at least.

Karen Russell (center) provides half the gratuitous nudity
in Vice Academy.

Linnea Quigley provides the other half, her breasts taking
priority over including her scene partner,
Steven Steward, in the shot.

Ginger Lynn Allen isn’t in Vice Academy to do much of anything, it turns out. With the bulk of the movie devoted to DiDi’s undercover work, Vice Academy is more Quigley’s movie than Ginger Lynn’s. The few scenes featuring the leads together are often commandeered by Jayne Hamil, who cranks it up to eleven in the role vice academy instructor Miss Devonshire. The scenes not overpowered by Hamil are handily stolen by Russell and, in the role of criminal mastermind Queen Bee, Jeannie Carol — or, more accurately, Carol’s wig. Ginger Lynn gets left on the sidelines.

No one can upstage Jean Carol’s wig in Vice Academy.

Marina Benvenga is a slightly less awesome
villain in Vice Academy Part 2.

This dynamic changes in VICE ACADEMY PART 2 (1990), which has Holly and DiDi, both now officially on the police force, being assigned to take down the diabolical Spanish Fly (Marina Benvenga, looking like Ann Magnuson parodying Siouxsie Sioux), who has threatened to poison the nation’s water supply with, well, Spanish fly unless she’s given $20 million by… the LAPD? The details don’t matter. The point is, Holly and DiDi must try to infiltrate Spanish Fly’s lair at the Vicerama, which is, per Miss Devonshire, “the sleaziest, seediest and vilest nightclub in town!” (“That place isn’t so bad,” DiDi says. “They have good drink specials at happy hour.”) So, they set out to go undercover as strippers, only to find out that the Vicerama’s single job opening (“I hope you girls realize there’s only one position available,” drools the club manager) is for a bookkeeper.

When Holly and DiDi fail, the LAPD implements its newest weapon: BimboCop (Teagan Clive, of Alienator, um, fame?). BimboCop’s first assignment? Switchboard duty, proving herself to be more competent than the current dispatcher, Jeannie (Jo Brewer), who spends more time making dates with horny truckers and satisfying the sexual demands of Officer Petrolino (Scott Layne) than doing her job. Determined to show their worth to the vice squad, Holly and DiDi return to Vicerama, this time under the guise of being strip-o-gram dancers, ensuring gratuitous nudity from Quigley and Ginger Lynn. But they’re cover is soon blown, as is Miss Devonshire’s when she shows up to fill the bookkeeper job, and Petrolino’s when he just shows up. It’s up to BimboCop to save the day. Too bad Jeannie has sabotaged BimboCop’s programming (that’s what happens when you include an easily accessible “worthless” setting). Can Spanish Fly be stopped? Can the Vice Accdemy series? Rick Sloane kept on making these things, ending with Vice Academy Part 6 in 1998. I chose to stop at Part 2.

Holly braces herself for a night of #MeToo with Officer Petrolino.

Introducing BimboCop (groan).

 It’s not just the women providing the gratuitous nudity this
time around.

That may not be a cucumber in his pants.

Vice Academy Part 2 has slightly higher production values (it features a real police car!) and a lot more skin (in addition to Quigley and Ginger Lynn, Toni Alessandrini, as Vicerama stripper Aphrodite, and future Playgirl model Layne do their parts to increase the movie’s flesh quotient), but Vice Academy has more laughs. These are movies to watch with bong in hand.

The many faces of Jayne Hamil.

But how to judge Ginger Lynn’s acting ability in movies where no one gives a real performance? I’ll say that while neither Quigley nor Ginger Lynn are particularly good, they do work well as a duo, and that Ginger Lynn doesn’t stand out as egregiously terrible. But no one should really have their talent judged on their performance in a Rick Sloane movie. Ginger Lynn did get positive notices for her star turn in Bound & Gagged: A Love Story, a 1993 indie comedy co-starring Chris Mulkey and Karen Black, though the movie itself is reportedly painful to sit through. It’s also not yet available for streaming. Ginger Lynn made enough of an impression to be considered for the female lead in Martin Scorsese’s Casino, but the studio wanted Sharon Stone for the role — at least, according to Ginger Lynn’s IMDb bio; the Casino IMDb page reports that a different ex-porn star was considered for the part.

From Scandal to the C-List

 Traci Lords, 1980s

Unlike Ginger Lynn, Traci Lords had to leave the adult industry, burning so many bridges on the way out that she either had to pursue a career in mainstream entertainment or go back to being Nora Kuzma. She chose the former, obviously. While I’m sure it wasn’t easy for her to establish a mainstream career, Lords didn’t have the same burden as Ginger Lynn. Not only could Lords’ porn past be blamed, rightly or wrongly, on predatory adults taking advantage of a stupid teenager (who nevertheless was smart enough to get a fake I.D. to enter the business of adult entertainment), much of the evidence of that career had been scrubbed from the marketplace. Lords was essentially starting in Hollywood with an almost-clean slate.

(One of the theories put forth in the Once Upon a Time in the Valley podcast is that Lords’ underage porn career was part of a long con; that she intended from the beginning to report her underage status when the time was right and escape the porn business as a “survivor.” It’s an interesting theory that I don’t entirely dismiss. I certainly don’t believe Lords was an innocent teen exploited by the industry, as she reportedly portrays herself in her 2004 autobiography, but I doubt she had formed this Machiavellian scheme when she first started as a nude model.)

Lords never made the A-list, but she’s done OK on the C-list, kicking off her mainstream career by starring in the 1988 remake of Not of This Earth, directed by schlockteur Jim Wynorski, but getting even more attention for appearing in John Waters’ 1990 comedy, Cry-Baby. There were guest appearances on Married…with Children, Melrose Place, and Roseanne, as well as a role in the TV mini-series The Tommyknockers. She even released an album, 1,000 Fires, in 1995. But most of her Hollywood career has been spent starring in direct-to-video fare. Among those DTV movies was EXTRAMARITAL (1998).

Traci Lords: Journalist.

Lords plays Elizabeth, an aspiring journalist (just go with it) interning at We@r magazine, where she must endure her editor Griff (Jeff Fahey, showing off what he learned in the Kevin Spacey School for Portraying Sleazy Southerners) belittling her at every turn. Elizabeth — who sometimes goes by Beth, sometimes Lizzy — is married to Eric (Jack Kerrigan, looking like an alcoholic Mark Ruffalo), who is not altogether supportive of Lizzy/Beth pursuing her dreams, especially since she gave up a high-paying job to do so, jeopardizing their chances of getting a loan to finish renovations on their L.A. home. Nevertheless, Eric takes Elizabeth to the airport so she can fly to San Francisco to interview “a city big-wig who’s been implicated in a huge sex scandal.”

On her flight Elizabeth meets Ann (statuesque Marìa Dìaz), traveling from her Malibu home to Napa Valley where she and her husband have a ranch. The two women later bump into each other in San Francisco when they discover they’re staying at the same hotel. What are the odds? Ann is accompanied by Bob (child actor-turned-hot cub Brian Bloom), who is most definitely not her husband. And just to make doubly sure that Elizabeth understands that Bob is her side piece, Ann and Bob get the foreplay started in full view of the reporter before they’ve even opened the door to their room, which is, in yet another coincidence, right next door to Elizabeth’s.

Though mystified by Ann’s unapologetic adultery, Elizabeth is also fascinated. Isn’t it convenient that We@r magazine is doing a sex issue, allowing Elizabeth to use Ann as a source? Ann is positively eager to answer the budding reporter’s questions. When Ann isn’t telling Elizabeth about her extramarital activities, she’s showing the audience, meeting Bob at an apartment for some afternoon sexy time. It’s during this encounter that we learn Ann likes to videotape their trysts and Bob likes to spice things up, paradoxically, by wearing a cunnilingus-impairing rubber mask that makes their sex scene look like a Halloween porn parody.

The mask is supposed to be of Ann’s favorite actor,
so... Ray Liotta after suffering a debilitating stroke?

Is this sudden introduction of videotapes and Michael Myers cosplay really just a shoe-horned in plot-device? You bet your cheap champagne and lace thong it is! As is Ann’s calling Elizabeth so the reporter’s answering machine can record Ann getting plowed by her masked lover (as one does). But, oops, instead of a hot cock Ann gets penetrated by the cold steel of a knife, repeatedly.

Even if is the first erotic thriller you’ve ever seen, it should be no surprise that all of these coincidences aren’t that coincidental, that Elizabeth is being used, and that Bob is being set up, but by whom? Well, rest assured, Elizabeth will figure it out, right after she samples some of Bob’s lovin’ for herself.

Serious actresses don’t show their nipples.

“I’m not laughing at you, Jeff, I’m laughing ...
OK, you got me. I’m laughing at you.”

Extramarital was released by PM Entertainment, so it goes without saying that it’s not very good. It does more closely resemble a professionally made(-for-TV) feature than the Vice Academy movies, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Extramarital is better, just more polished. Screenwriter Don O’Melveny’s story is a bit of a mess, implying that Ann was somehow complicit in setting up her own murder, and it never quite clears one of the potential suspects. Jeff Fahey, the actor you call when Eric Roberts is busy, gives the movie a needed injection of camp, but not enough to boost the Extramarital’s entertainment value. 

As for Lords, she’s fine. She holds her own against the talents of Fahey and Bloom, and she’s Meryl Streep in comparison to Dìaz, who delivers all her lines as if she’s dubbing a Doris Wishman movie. But while Lords’ is a competent actor, she isn’t a very compelling one. It’s not surprising that the bulk of her acting work has been confined to the small screen; she just doesn’t have a movie star’s magnetism. She’s got sex appeal, but Extramarital, and likely Lords herself (she’s credited as an executive producer), has little interest in playing that up. I get it, she’s playing against type and, you know, trying to distance herself from her porn notoriety, but this is an erotic thriller, so the audience can’t be faulted for having certain expectations. Alas, there are Lifetime TV movies that have hotter sex scenes than those featured in Extramarital.

Final verdict? Lords is the better actress in her bad movie, but Ginger Lynn is a lot more fun in hers.

Despite Lords’ assertion, per her IMDb bio, that she still bears the stigma of her porn years, she continued to be cast in TV shows (Profiler, First Wave) and movies (Blade, Zack and Miri Make a Porno). Ginger Lynn, who wholeheartedly owned her porn stardom, never gained much traction as a mainstream actor. Her TV roles were sporadic (guest appearances on NYPD Blue and Silk Stalkings) and her mainstream movies were mostly direct-to-video dreck like The Stranger. Predictably, Ginger Lynn returned to porn in 1999. Today, both women’s careers face a far bigger roadblock in Hollywood than their involvement in the porn industry: getting old.

Striking Terror in the Hearts of Homophobes

It’s Halloween so I feel compelled to review something seasonally appropriate. The works of Romero, Carpenter and Craven are typical fodder for this sort of thing, or I could look at a couple of Frank Whale and Jacques Tournier films if I wanted to get all New York Times about it (I don’t). Instead, I thought I’d explore a different type of horror director, one who pays homage to horror conventions yet puts his own unique spin on the genre. This Halloween, I’m delving into some select works from David DeCoteau.

No one should watch a David DeCoteau horror movie expecting to be scared. Even his best ones are standouts not because they succeed as horror movies, but because they possess that so-bad-it’s-good magic. Yes, DeCoteau is that kind of filmmaker, occupying the same strata as Fred Olen Ray.

Like FOR, DeCoteau is extremely prolific, with 165 directorial credits to his name as of this writing (FOR only has 159, but he has more writing and acting credits than DeCoteau). Also like FOR, DeCoteau has worked in numerous genres, from hardcore porn to family-friendly Christmas movies. Yet, regardless of the movie’s genre, the era in which it was made, or pseudonym the director uses, there are certain signifiers that reveal a movie as being a DeCoteau product, signifiers that I’ll highlight in the movies below. Though many of these themes and techniques aren’t unique to the director on their own, they are hallmarks of a DeCoteau product when combined with some very specific, recurring tropes.

DREAMANIAC

The moment Thomas Bern realized he
didn’t want to be in movies anymore.

DeCoteau’s first horror movie was this 1986 Nightmare on Elm Street cash-in (one of the movie’s taglines was, “You Don't Have to Live on Elm Street to Have Nightmares”). Adam (Thomas Bern, in his screen debut/swan song), an aspiring heavy metal musician who is never shown playing or listening to it, agrees to let his girlfriend’s snooty sister Jodi (Lauren Peterson) rent his place to host a party for her prospective sorority. When Jodi’s guests arrive it’s soon evident that the sorority she wants to join is Phi Kappa Kunt. “Do I know you?” Jodi’s sister Pat (Kim McKamy) asks Francis (Dixie Carter lookalike Cynthia Crass), a sorority member bedecked in a giant foreskin. “I doubt it,” Francis sniffs. “I went to private schools all my life and I’m rich as shit.” The men attending this party don’t fare much better, being either dorky, goofy or smarmy. Only Pat is remotely likable, though I found her initial interaction with Adam to be borderline abusive.

Julia Sugarbaker goes to college.

Luckily for the good of humanity, Adam’s also into black magic (don’t let that Def Leppard tee fool you) and has summoned a succubus, Lily (Sylvia Summers), who’s down to fuck and/or kill the party guests, though she drags her feet doing either. Among the notable-but-improbable kills: Lily entices one of the hotter guys, Ace, to strip down to his tighty whities, wraps an extension cord around him and electrocutes him, somehow. Another head-scratching kill scene has a character getting decapitated by a power drill.

Though Dreamaniac has a few OK practical effects (it’s one of DeCoteau’s bloodier movies, though that “too gory for the silver screen” tag on the poster art is total bullshit), whatever schlocky potential it may have had is dashed by Helen Robinson’s lame script, the high school play-caliber acting and heavily padded runtime. That it was shot on video doesn’t help, though the quality of its cinematography is more early ’80s porn movie than shot on shitteo. That said, the picture is still pretty murky and fuzzy, making it even more of a chore to watch. 

What makes a David DeCoteau film unique? Exhibit A.

Story-to-Runtime Ratio: Barely 40 minutes of story to an 82-minute runtime. (I swore when I first watched it the movie was 1 hour, 42 minutes, but maybe it just felt that long.)

Method(s) Used to Pad Runtime: Repeated footage; footage of people walking/running; repeated footage of people walking/running; slooooow pans; even slower opening and end credits.

Kim McKamy considers whether porn
might be less demeaning.

Has Been/Porn Star in Cast: Kim McKamy took the name Ashlyn Gere in 1990 and had a long career in adult video.

Homoerotism Level: Lower side of medium, though after executive producer Charles Band screened the movie someone from his office called DeCoteau and asked, “Are you gay?”

Percentage of Runtime Male Cast Members in Underwear: Less than 10%, though Dreamaniac has more male nudity than other DeCoteau titles.

Will it Scare Homophobes? They may bitch about the amount of man-ass on display, but otherwise, no.

THE KILLER EYE

Ryan Van Steenis never saw the Eighth
Dimension coming.

DeCoteau takes the 1950s drive-in creature feature into the craptastic direct-to-video market of 1999, spicing it up with a heavy helping of homoeroticism and a generous side of naked women. Right off the bat we have “mad” scientist Grady (Jonathan Norman) hiring a hustler (pouty twink Ryan Van Steenis) to be his lab rat. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather screw, Doc?” the hustler asks. “’Cause my rates are the same.” Unfortunately for him, Grady wants a test subject, not a blowjob. The scientist administers eye drops that should, if successful, give the subject a view into “the Eighth Dimension.” Instead, the drops transport an entity from the Eighth Dimension into the blonde twink’s eye, causing it swell so large that it pops from his head and becomes sentient. (I just wrote that!)

Grady, however, was too busy arguing with his horny wife Rita (“You want to talk about you and your orgasms now?”) to notice any of these developments. It’s only after Rita (Jacqueline Lovell) leaves to have a three-way with their downstairs neighbors, hunky stoners Tom and Joe (David Oren Ward and Roland Martinez, respectively), that Grady notices his subject is now dead. So, he calls his assistant Morton (Kostas Koromilas), who conveniently lives in the same building, to, well, assist him, much to the chagrin of Morton’s young wife Jane (Nanette Bianchi). Though it would seem that a giant floating eyeball would be hard to miss, quite some time passes before it’s discovered, even though it’s frequently hovering only a few feet away, using its phallic-like optic nerve to get Rita off while her two stoned studs doze on either side of her, then feel up Jane while she showers. 

A typical night with Jerry Falwell Jr., his wife
and their pool boy.

Meanwhile, Creepy Bill (Blake Adams, billed here as Blake Bailey), a guy who, near as I could tell, just hangs out in the apartment building’s attic, happens upon the dead hustler’s body. Because Bill’s not quite right in the head, he has no interest in blackmailing Grady (“When you tell on others, you’re just telling on yourself,” he says). Instead, he joins the search for the titular Killer Eye, which at this point is more accurately described as the Creeping Molesting Eye. Rita, Tom, Joe and Jane join their efforts to trap the giant eye, to no avail. (“It’s been floatin’ and fucking for hours, so it’s got to be getting tired,” observes Creepy Bill.) But it soon becomes quite obvious that one member in their group has no interest in stopping the sentient eyeball.

The giant, phallic eyeball from
the Eighth Dimension.

This one’s kind of fun, actually. The movie knows what it is and does what it can within its limited budget, managing to deliver a few laughs in the process. It doesn’t do it efficiently, however. For all the amusing moments, there are just as many sluggish, pointless ones. The acting is weak, but still leagues above what was seen in Dreamaniac, with several cast members delivering semi-professional performances.

Story-to-Runtime Ratio: Really only enough story here to support 70 of this movie’s 90 minutes.

Method(s) Used to Pad Runtime: Extended PG-13 sex scene; extended R-rated shower scene; repeated footage, especially of that big rubber eye; slooooow pans; even slower end credits.

Has Been/Porn Star in Cast: Jacqueline Lovell worked in adult film under the name Sara St. James.

Homoerotism Level: High (see below).

#NoHomo

Percentage of Runtime Male Cast Members in Underwear: David Oren Ward and Roland Martinez never once put on pants, so a good 30-40%.

Will it Scare Homophobes? They’ll definitely be nervous, though Lovell and Bianchi are well utilized as the movie’s beards.

VOODOO ACADEMY

The spirit of Voodoo Academy
possesses Chad Burris.

Much like this movie’s young protagonist when he enrolls in the Carmichael Bible College, my husband and I didn’t fully know what we were getting into when we rented this DeCoteau offering in the early 2000s. We knew it was trash, of course, and our expectations were appropriately low, but then we started watching it and soon realized we’d happened upon a true hidden gem.

Like The Killer Eye, this 2000 release takes a premise that would’ve been common on the movie screens of yesteryear and pulls it into the 1990s, with DeCoteau putting his own, unmistakable spin on the material.

Christopher Sawyer (Riley Smith) is a devotee of Rev. Holice Carmichael’s “Neurocystic Christian Church” (a mix of Catholicism and Scientology, as one character describes it), so he’s thrilled to be accepted into the reverend’s bible college. Of course, the school’s extremely small, all-male student body — Christopher would be the school’s sixth student — is a bit of a red flag, but Mrs. Bouvier (Debra Mayer), the school’s sole administrator, explains that’s only because Carmichael Bible College is still an experimental institution. The school isn’t even accredited yet, another red flag, as is Rev. Carmichael’s sudden introduction of confessional booths. And seeing how the Rev (Chad Burris, who looks like he could be Jeff Stryker’s little brother) interacts with his students — placing hands on their muscular thighs, fixing his seductive gaze on their young, handsome faces — you just know those booths have a glory hole. 

Kevin Calisher looks over Carmichael
Bible College’s newest student.

It’s not until Christopher’s hunky classmates succumb to the effects of drugged wine (Christopher, a staunch teetotaler, abstained), and begin writhing in masturbatory torment that the devout new student decides to investigate. When one of the students, Rusty (Huntley Ritter), walks, zombie-like, upstairs to Mrs. Bouvier’s apartment (“That’s it, Rusty, follow your urges,” Mrs. B intones), Sawyer follows and discovers the truth: Carmichael Bible College isn’t a religious school at all—it’s a front for a voodoo priestess, and its students are all sacrifices to Macudo!

Simply put, Voodoo Academy is DeCoteau’s masterwork, second only to his one stab at indie legitimacy, 1997’s Leather Jacket Love Story. While the acting isn’t that good (it’s still a DeCoteau movie), the male cast gamely sells the homoerotism, especially Burris and, as class smartass Billy, Kevin Calisher. What’s amazing about this movie is that though its content is relatively tame, it’s so heavily suggestive that by the time the final credits roll you’ll swear you saw the guys suck each other off.

The boys of Voodoo Academy can’t fight the feeling.

Story-to-Runtime Ratio: Though 92 minutes is a wee bit longer than it needs to be (80 minutes is closer to the mark), Voodoo Academy doesn’t overstay its welcome. 

Rusty is swiftly punished for following his urges.

Method(s) Used to Pad Runtime: Lingering shots of guys writhing in their underwear; repeated footage; extended opening credits; slooooow pans.

Has Been/Porn Star in Cast: Despite all the guys in the cast looking like they were plucked from Chi Chi LaRue’s stable, none of them have done porn. Debra Mayer was in several Full Moon films prior to her death in 2015, but no porn.

Homoerotism Level: Were it any higher it would be hardcore gay porn.

Percentage of Runtime Male Cast Members in Underwear: Oh, 60%, easy.

Will it Scare Homophobes? They’ll be fucking terrified.

EDGAR ALLEN POE’S HOUSE OF USHER

Frank Mentier and Michael Cardelle make
awkward, awkward love.

With his 2008 retelling of the famous Poe tale, DeCoteau doesn’t waste time with mere homoeroticism. This one’s motherfuckin’ gay! What’s more, he made it for Here! TV, the gay network that gave us the wonderfully terrible series Dante’s Cove and The Lair. Was I giddy at the prospect of watching this? You bet your Tommy Hilfiger boxer briefs!

Unfortunately, Here! TV didn’t get the director of Voodoo Academy; it got the director of the 1313 series. DeCoteau’s interest in the material doesn’t go much further than cashing a paycheck, so what should have been a campy homo horror is a boring slog. He couldn’t even be bothered to eliminate the street traffic noise from scenes that are supposed to be taking place in the gardens of a remote country estate.

Part of the movie’s undoing is its casting. Frank Mentier, as the eccentric Roderick Usher, and Michael Cardelle, as his childhood friend Victor Reynolds, are emblematic of DeCoteau’s erotomania: buff, smooth and young. While Cardelle does look good in boxer briefs — because of course DeCoteau’s going to get him stripped down to his underwear — it’s nigh impossible to believe that his character has traveled the world and seen some shit when we suspect the actor playing him is filming his scenes during his high school spring break (and, based on Cardelle’s performance, between bong hits). Mentier, looking and sounding more bored than stoned, appears to be slightly older — he was possibly on his spring break from university — but not much more believable. These characters needed to be played by men who could act, not boys who could not. Jaimyse Haft, as Roderick’s sister Madeline, tries to deliver a real performance, bless her heart, but, alas, she just doesn’t quite have the acting chops to pull it off.

Who farted?

OK, I know better than to watch DeCoteau’s movies for the acting, but when so little regard is shown for all other production aspects (the script, art direction, the pacing) you become less forgiving. The one possible saving grace House of Usher had was its sex scenes, something to appease the viewers until there’s a Next Door Studios’ House of Usher, but again DeCoteau drops the ball. Mentier makes out with both Cardelle and a blonde whatsisname, yet it barely qualifies as softcore. The actors never even remove their underwear, instead yanking them below their buttocks but keeping their genitalia covered. You’d think a man who has directed gay porn would have a better grasp of the mechanics of sex. I wasn’t expecting to see any dicks, but I thought we could get sex scenes that reached the same level of explicitness as a Shannon Whirry erotic thriller, or, you know, Dante’s Cove.

Unless you share DeCoteau’s fondness of cute guys walking around in their underwear, House of Usher isn’t even worth hate watching. Better to stick with Roger Corman’s 1960 adaptation. Or try your luck with this 1989 adaptation or this one from 2006, both movies looking like they deliver the fun kind of bad DeCoteau didn’t. If nothing else, the acting should be better.

Michael Cardelle reminds us we’re watching
a David DeCoteau movie.

Story-to-Runtime Ratio: Though there should be enough story to flesh out an 84-minute movie, Simon Savory’s uninspired script, coupled with the sluggish pacing and bad acting, make House of Usher barely tolerable for one hour.

Method(s) Used to Pad Runtime: Repeated footage; lingering shots of guys in their underwear; people walking; extended softcore sex scenes; slooooow pans.

Has Been/Porn Star in Cast: Jill Jacobson of Falcon Crest fame(?) has a cameo so inconsequential it’s insulting.

Homoerotism Level: Extremely high.

Percentage of Runtime Male Cast Members in Underwear: 50%, augmented with some male rear nudity, but neither helps.

Will it Scare Homophobes? Yes, but they’ll be bored soon enough. 

Boo!

Dreamaniac and The Killer Eye are currently streaming on Tubi.

About Racism, or Just Racist?

The first time I encountered the 1975 film MANDINGO was when it was displayed on video store shelves in the 1980s. Judging from the box cover, I assumed it was a Gone with the Wind-style historical romance, synonymous with boring in my teen-aged mind. I didn’t even bother to pick up the box to read the synopsis on the back, let alone rent it. Yet I did rent Rollover, a 1981 “thriller” that has all the pulse-pounding excitement of a federal reserve chairman’s public address, so clearly I wasn’t making the best choices in my teens.

I realized my error much later, in the mid-2000s, when I read about Mandingo in Bill Landis’ and Michelle Clifford’s book The Sleazoid Express: A Mind-Twisting Tour Through the Grindhouse Cinema of Times Square. What they detailed sounded so tasteless I knew I just had to see it. Luckily, though video rentals were on death’s door, there was a place in my area that had a copy. I watched, mouth agape, horrified/amazed at what I transpired on screen. Mandingo is, quite simply, a trash classic. But this was a guilty pleasure that was guiltier than most. It’s easy for me to defend my liking a problematic movie like Cruising because I’m a member of the minority it unfairly portrays. But a white guy saying he, um, liked (was morbidly fascinated by?) Mandingo? That’s harder to sell.

But like Cruising, Mandingo seems to have been retroactively upgraded from insensitive garbage to culturally significant touchstone (though the former’s upgrade may have only happened in James Franco’s mind). In the 2013-2014 season of American Horror Story: Coven, there’s an episode where the character Queenie (Gabourey Sibide), in an attempt to reprogram a resurrected head of infamous slave serial killer Madame Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), subjects her to an onslaught of TV shows and movies about the Black struggle: Roots, Roots: The Next Generation, The Color Purple and…Mandingo? (BAPS is also included as an ironic choice, making it clear that Mandingo isn’t.)

Wait, Mandingo, the movie Roger Ebert deemed “racist trash,” is being presented as an Important Work? Somehow this was harder to accept than LaLaurie as a bodyless head on a table. At the time I saw that episode, I thought using Mandingo to show horrors of slavery the was akin to using Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS to illustrate the atrocities of the Third Reich.

Sex, Violence and the N-Word

Mandingo isn’t quite as low-brow as Ilsa, but this story about the Falconhurst plantation, owned by father and son slave breeders, Warren and Hammond Maxwell (James Mason and Perry King, respectively), is far from a prestige picture. Warren Maxwell wants three things in life: a cure for his “rheumatiz,” a Mandingo male slave—a “buck,” in the movie’s parlance—and a wife for Hammond. Two of the patriarch’s wishes come true, rather efficiently, in a single road trip Hammond takes with his asshole cousin Charles (Ben Masters), first to a slave auction, to purchase a Mandingo slave, Mede (boxer Ken Norton), then to his cousin Charles’ house for the hasty courtship of Charles’ sister Blanche (Susan George, perhaps the only woman in the antebellum South to have false eyelashes). Handsome though he is, Hammond is shy around some women (“I wouldn’t know what to do, not with no white lady,” he whines to his father), attributed to his self-consciousness about walking with a limp, the result of childhood horse riding accident. Luckily for him he won’t have to work that hard to win Blanche’s hand. She all but greets Hammond at the door in a wedding dress, she’s so eager to get hitched and away from her cash-strapped family and her brother’s boundary issues.

Their marriage is doomed, of course. Hammond blows up when he discovers Blanche isn’t a virgin (“You think I don’t know a virgin when I sleeps with one?”), and he only makes matters worse when, on the return trip to Falconhurst with his new bride and Mede, he picks up another new acquisition, Ellen (Brenda Sykes), as his “bed wench.” Blanche’s disappointment deepens when she discovers that, despite the Maxwell’s wealth, Falconhurst is a shithole. It’s not long before Blanche becomes a bitter, pathetic drunk.

Hammond (Perry King) is self-conscious about his bad leg,
not realizing the women in Mandingo are too focused on
another appendage to notice.

Meanwhile, Hammond, under his father’s tutelage, prepares Mede for a fight in New Orleans, a regimen that includes submersing the slave in near-boiling brine to “toughen his hide,” a scene that also foreshadows for the movie’s grim conclusion. Mede wins his fight, killing his opponent, earning greater respect (but not freedom) from his masters, and resentment from the house slave, Agamemnon (Richard Ward). “Congratulations, Mede,” Agamemnon says upon Mede’s return from New Orleans. “Not every Black man gets the chance to kill another Black man.”

Warren, eager for an heir, then locks Hammond in his wife’s bedroom, ordering the couple to fuck or else (well, words to that effect). For a brief moment, Blanche believes there is hope for their marriage, and chatters at dinner about transforming Falconhurst into the place of elegant parties and elevating the Maxwells’ place in antebellum society. But that hope is fleeting when it’s made clear Hammond has more affection for Ellen than his wife. So, while Hammond is away at a slave auction, Blanche summons for Mede, treating viewers to one more softcore sex scene before the movie’s deadly finale.

Blanche (Susan George) and Mede (Ken Norton) seal their
fates in Mandingo’s final softcore sex scene.

Mandingo’s sequel, Drum, may
have been released by United
Artists, but its production values
are more akin to a Roger
Corman drive-in movie.

The movie is based on Kyle Onstott’s 1957 novel and Jack Kirkland’s 1961 stage adaptation, making Norman Wexler’s screenplay an adaptation of an adaptation, I guess. According to his bio on Wikipedia, Onstott was more interested in writing a bestseller than exposing the horrors of slavery. I’ve read the novel and a few of the Lance Horner-penned sequels—including Drum, which was adapted as Mandingo’s cheaper, tackier sequel in 1976—and they’re pretty much all about abusing slaves and interracial scrompin’ (it’s not called plantation porn for nothing), with dialog that drops the N-word almost as much as it drops consonants. For what it’s worth, the movie is a fairly faithful adaptation of the book, cutting out a lot of the fat from the novel, which was padded with tediously detailed accounts of Hammond shepherding Mede to various fights across the Deep South and Blanche getting drunk with her father-in-law.

But Mandingo’s director, Richard Fleischer, was serious about the movie he was making. “The whole slave story has been lied about, covered up and romanticized so much that I thought it really had to stop,” Fleischer is quoted in a 1976 interview. “The only way to stop was to be as brutal as I could possibly be, to show how these people suffered.”

In all fairness, Mandingo does give an unflinching look at the treatment of slaves like animals (at the movie’s opening a slave trader, played by Paul Benedict, is shown inspecting a selection of potential merchandise for hemorrhoids and then making one fetch a stick like a dog to see how fast he moves), punished for minor infractions (Agamemnon is strung up naked and whipped for learning to read) and, should they escape, murdered upon capture.

Cicero’s (Ji-Tu Cumbuka) final words: “After you hang me,
you can kiss my ass!”

But the movie also has a scene in which Charles, right before beating and raping a female slave, says: “Cousin Hammond, you take the virgin. I don’t care for hard work.” Or how about the advice Warren gets from a doctor for curing his rheumatism: sleep with a slave boy curled around his feet and press his feet hard against the boy to “kindly force the rheumatiz right out the soles.” Considering the shit people believe today you could probably post this advice on Facebook and be guaranteed that a small percentage of people would be pressing their feet against their grandchildren as a rheumatism treatment. But, hey, at least they wouldn’t be using slaves, so, progress.

Because doTERRA wasn’t yet a thing: The patriarch of Falconhurst
plantation, Warren Maxwell (James Mason) tries an unconventional
treatment for his rheumatism

Other pearls of wisdom include Warren’s advice to Hammond about his husbandly duties: “When [your wife] do submit, though, you keep on your shirt and drawers. It plagues a white lady ’most to death to see a man nekkid.” This advice, ironically, is delivered after King’s full-frontal nude scene.

Fortunately, Perry King wasn’t concerned with plaguing the
audience with his nakedness, and neither was Brenda Sykes.

And then there’s Blanche. In a different type of movie, the audience would appreciate how she is also a victim, trapped in a loveless marriage with no means of escape. Her husband can get all the strange he can get it up for with impunity, but the consequences are severe should she have any extramarital affairs. Her only value is being white and pumping out an heir.

But thanks to Wexler’s drive-in caliber screenplay and Susan George’s hysterical performance (she just barely edges out James Mason in the over-Southerning department), Blanche is the source of many of Mandingo’s unintentional laughs.

Occasionally, George dials back her Daisy Mae-zilla performance to allow the audience to see Blanche’s pain. Unfortunately, while George is an attractive woman, she is cursed with a resting (and active) Who Farted? face that’s so aggressive that any expression other than a wide smile suggests she smelt it and dealt it, resulting in more unintentional—and inappropriate—laughs.

 

Culturally Relevant, But Still Trash

One of the arguments given to absolve the plantation porn genre—and its readers—of racism is that white characters are never the winners in the end. That’s usually true, but while the white characters are ultimately punished (there are exceptions), it’s still their story. The slaves’ perspective is secondary. But most people don’t read these books because they condone slavery or racism; they read them because they’re titillating. They appeal to the same part of our lizard brains that attracts us to porn, Tiger King and the Bravo network.

Some versions of Mandingo have
alternate clothed scenes or remove
nudity altogether, because that was
what made the movie offensive.

Yet, Mandingo’s lack of restraint also accounts for its authenticity, an argument Quentin Tarantino made during a 2013 interview on Fresh Air while promoting Django Unchained, a movie that merged slaveploitation and spaghetti western tropes into one bloody revenge fantasy. Because they are striving to remain tasteful, TV movies about the history of slavery, Tarantino said, “keep you at arm’s length dramatically[.] Frankly, oftentimes, they just feel like dusty textbooks barely dramatized.” On the other hand, he added, movies like Mandingo get much closer to the truth. “Having said that, the sensationalistic aspect, and almost [exploitative] aspect of the films can’t be ignored.” (You can hear the whole interview, including the part where Tarantino gets butt hurt after Terry Gross asks him about the excessive violence in his movies in the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre, here.)

In an essay comparing Mandingo to 12 Years a Slave, author James Hannaham, who is Black, comes down, surprisingly, on team Mandingo. “One might well ask whether it isn’t somehow fitting that the exploitation represented by chattel slavery should be represented by an exploitation film,” he writes. 12 Years’ avoidance of its characters’ sexuality, as well as the sexual mores of the time, actually renders its narrative sterile, making it less impactful. As Hanahan concludes in his essay:

“12 Years presents its hero as an entirely honorable victim in an expertly crafted and elegant film, while Mandingo throws us into the ugly mess that slavery and sex create when they collide, among a complicated, unruly, and rude group of tragic characters controlled by the brutality of the social milieu in which they live, their base cravings, and their denial. Its sexual frankness plays on our own attractions to various actors/characters in order to show us how our baser drives can control us in similar ways. It’s hard to deny that the fictional, less carefully handled, more confounding depiction of this time period seems more alive — even if it isn’t as good.”

I recently re-watched Mandingo, and while I still consider it exploitative and uncomfortably campy, I found parts of the movie resonating on a new level. It’s not a big jump to relate the murder of captured slaves to the murder of Black citizens by police, or Blanche exerting her power over Mede to coerce him into having sex, to Amy Cooper using her white privilege when calling police on a Black man in Central Park. I realized my embarrassment over Mandingo was misplaced. It’s not how crudely this 1975 film presented America’s racist past I should be ashamed of, but rather, our racist present.